Your Presence Still Lingers
by secamimom
Summary: When they come together, both having a past filled with hurt and despair, what can they really expect?  As Bella and Edward live their lives together, they continue to realize that life isn't always a fairytale. AH, Canon couples
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story will be written in a different way. The chapters will be written in alternating POV's. Bella's chapters will take place in present day. Her chapters will be intentionally shorter and probably very vague. Edward's chapters will take place in the past. The chapters will not alternate BPOV, EPOV, BPOV, EPOV... The first chapter will be BPOV. The next several chapters will be EPOV. **

**This story will deal with troublesome topics. I will put a warning up before certain chapters. If you feel that you can't handle reading them, please don't.**

**BPOV **

I took another sip from my bottle of water and stuck my hand into the little plastic baggie, pulling out another cracker. I slowly ate it as I looked around me. It was a beautiful day today. Surprisingly so, since Spring had barely begun. The sun was brightly shining and the birds were chirping. A far cry from the mood I found myself in lately.

I looked back down at the book that I held in my hands. I chose this fantasy book because I felt the need to escape my life for awhile and delve into another world, but so far it wasn't working. I'd read the same paragraph over and over for the past twenty minutes, but I couldn't tell you a bit about what it actually said. I hadn't been able to concentrate on anything lately, and it could only be blamed on one thing.

My focus at this moment was on the children playing in front of me. The laughing and squealing filling the air as they swung higher and higher into the sky. The boy and girl held hands tightly as they swung back and forth, not a care in the world to bother them. Nothing to worry them, except whether or not they would be forced to take a bath when they got home.

I didn't know if my life had ever been that easy. It seemed that I was always plagued with some kind of worry and of course, right now was no different. I had so many things happening in my life at the moment and my mind was having a hard time processing it all.

I placed the book down on the space beside me. Leaning back against the bench, I fought back the tears that had begun to fill my eyes. I just wished that for once, just one single day, that I could go without shedding a tear. It seemed though, that today would not be that day.

Deciding to partake in my daily ritual, I got comfortable on the bench. I found that if I closed my eyes and squinted just hard enough, I could see her. I could see _him. _

_She's smiling widely, her wavy, brown hair blowing through the wind as he pushes her. She turns to look at him, her green eyes sparkling with excitement as he pulls her out of the seat, clutching her tightly to him. They whisper words of love to each other before he swings her around so that she's on his back. _

I snapped back to reality and focused my attention back on the children in front of me. They had stopped swinging and were now standing off to the side, whispering to each other. The young boy grabbed the hand of the girl and they both ran off, laughing the entire way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: I was so excited to post the first chapter that I completely forgot to thank some very important people Thanks to Juliegirl18 for beta'ing for me, even though she thinks it might kill her, LOL. Thanks to Bella's Executioner for being my OMG pre-reader and giving me her honest reaction. Thanks to sariedee for pre-reading for me and helping me find someone to make an awesome banner for me. Thanks to MandyLeigh010 for helping me with the blog for this story. Thanks to Ms. Jilyan for giving me her honest insight and thoughts on this story. And thanks to everyone on twitter who encouraged me to continue working on this story and to eventually post it.**

**Remember that this chapter is EPOV, the past.**

**Ten Years Ago**

**EPOV**

I groaned loudly and reached over, slamming my hand down on the alarm clock that wouldn't shut the fuck up. I opened my eyes, squinting at the bright light shining through the window. Of course the one day I had to be up early, the sun decided to shine in this hell hole.

We'd just moved here five days ago. Carlisle took an architectural job in Seattle, but Esme didn't want to live in another city. She said she could do interior design from anywhere, so they chose to move us to this fucking little ass town called Forks. Honestly, who the fuck names a town Forks? Was Spoons the next town over? Does the high school play football against the Butter Knife Titans on Friday nights?

I shook my head and laughed at myself as I got out of bed and stretched. I had my bed in my room, but the rest was empty. I missed my music and books. I usually liked to read before bed and hadn't thought to bring any type of book with me. Once I laid down last night it took forever to fall asleep. This place was too fucking quiet for me. Thankfully, all my other shit was supposed to be delivered today and would be here by the time I got out of school.

I still couldn't believe Carlisle and Esme were making us go to school today. At seventeen years old, I figured they'd let me decide whether or not I had to go to school this morning. They let me decide alright. I either went to school this morning or they took away my car. Easy decision for me.

Emmett was lucky as hell being away at college. I was in my senior year, forced only to suffer through one more agonizing year of high school. Poor Alice was only a junior, so she had two more years to go. I was thankful that at least we weren't starting in the middle of the year. Esme and Carlisle made sure that when we moved out here that we would start the same time as everyone else to make it a little less awkward for us.

I might talk a lot of shit about Carlisle and Esme, but I knew how good I had it here. When they adopted me five years ago, it was probably the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was brought into a home that had two caring parents, and I even had two siblings.

Alice and Emmett had both been adopted by the Cullens too. Alice was just a newborn baby when she was abandoned at the hospital. Emmett's mom had been some crack whore that couldn't take care of him, so he had been taken away by Social Services. They were both better off here too. We were all lucky and we knew it.

Walking into the bathroom that was connected to my room, I looked around again at how huge it actually was. The entire house was probably too big for just the four of us, but of course Emmett had his own room for when he was home. I had the entire third floor of the house to myself while the other bedrooms were on the second floor. I wasn't going to complain though. Like I said before, we're lucky and we knew it.

I took a quick shower and dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a button up shirt. I slipped on my shoes and decided to go downstairs and find something for breakfast. Back in Chicago, I would usually eat something at school, but I had a feeling that in a town this small, a lot of attention probably wasn't put on the nutritional value of food at the local high school.

I walked in the kitchen and saw that Alice was already sitting down at the table eating. I noticed there was a plate that had already been fixed for me sitting on the counter. How did I know it was for me? Because lined up nicely on the napkin beside the plate were my pills.

I rolled my eyes and popped the pills in my mouth, washing them down with the glass of orange juice. You'd think that at the age of seventeen my "parents" would trust me enough to take my medication every morning. Evidently that was not the case though.

"You ready to head out, Alice?" I asked her as I shoved the last bit of pancake in my mouth. She'd been finished eating for a while, but chose to sit here at the table with me while she read a book.

"Yep, I'm ready," she said as she stood up and started gathering her things. How Alice managed to already have a full backpack on the first day of school I had no idea. Evidently she had already taken to kissing teachers asses like she had back in Chicago. She'd probably already done half the semester's work if it was possible.

"Let's roll," I told her as I pulled my keys from my pocket and walked out the door. The drive to the high school was a short one. The whole town couldn't be more than fifteen miles wide, so everything was within a five minute drive it seemed.

I pulled into the small parking lot and parked in the spot at the farthest end away from the school. My car might not be the nicest or most expensive one ever made, but it was mine. I knew that it was the only one I would be getting for a while, so I needed to take care of it which led to me trying to keep it away from all the other teenage drivers around here. There was no telling how these small town people drove. Did they even have Driver's Ed somewhere like this?

And from the looks of it, my car did seem to be the nicest one at this school. Even the teachers lot was filled with old eighties modeled Honda's and Toyota's.

I was jerked out of my thoughts by a loud roaring engine and a sudden backfire. An old, piece of shit truck was pulling into the lot of the school. Every time the driver would go a few feet, the truck would knock off and he would have to crank it back up. The poor fucker probably had to leave school at six o'clock this morning just to make it to school on time.

"Okay Alice, please don't spend so much time fucking around this afternoon. I've got a doctor's appointment and I have a feeling I'm going to want to get the hell away from here. I don't need to spend the entire afternoon waiting on your bullshit," I told her as we walked up the sidewalk and into the main office. It was inevitable that Alice would make friends here today. She always did, no matter where we were. Carlisle and Esme always said that Alice knows no stranger and it was true.

"Fine. Please don't be such an asshole today. Try to make at least one friend, for me? It would make things less sucky for you. Maybe you wouldn't be cooped up in the house all the time. I'm just sayin'," she said as she walked up to the receptionist desk and asked for our schedules. What Alice didn't understand was that one of the main reasons we moved here was because of the company I had kept back in Chicago. I was sure Carlisle and Esme didn't want me making friends like that here. I was pretty sure no one like that lived here though.

Alice handed me my schedule and I glanced at it quickly. It looked like it was filled with electives. What probably should have been the harder classes assigned to me were actually classes I had taken last year in Chicago. It seemed that my senior year here in Forks would be a breeze. I just needed to stick to myself and not make any friends or piss anyone off. Why did I have a feeling that was going to be easier said than done?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thanks to juliegirl18, my wonderful beta. And thanks to Bella's Executioner and sariedee3 for pre-reading for me. Their comments, along with your reviews, help me keep focus and write.**

**Here's another Edward POV for you. Remember, these events took place ten years ago. **

**EPOV **

"I can't believe we are stuck in this fucking town and going to this shitty school," I told Alice as I picked at the crappy food on my tray. I picked up a fry, feeling my fingers slippery from grease, and scrunched up my nose before tossing it back in the bowl.

"Oh Edward, come one. Give the place a chance. We haven't even been here a full day yet," Alice said as she sipped her lemonade. Alice always had a way of finding the silver lining in a situation.

"We have one class left. We've been here practically a whole day already. I really don't see things improving in Advanced Biology," I said as the warning bell rang. I picked up my tray and tossed my book bag over my shoulder.

"Don't forget, no fucking around this afternoon. I wanna get outta here and to my appointment on time. God knows I don't need Carlisle riding my ass about being late," I told her before tossing my trash and walking out into the hallway.

The biology class was all the way on the other side of the school so I was glad I left the cafeteria before the final bell rang. I was able to avoid the stupid people lingering in the halls and quickly made my way to the classroom.

The room was filled with the usual black topped lab tables, two chairs at each one. I was hoping that I would be the odd student out and would get the chance to work alone or at least didn't get some stupid fucker that would piss me off the entire year.

"Mr. Banner?" I asked the man sitting at the large table up front. I assumed he was the teacher considering he was wearing a sweater vest and had glasses on with lenses as thick as a fucking Coke bottle.

"Yes," he said looking up at me. "You must be Mr. Cullen." I nodded my head and handed him my schedule to sign. In the office this morning, Mrs. Cope made sure to tell Alice and me that we needed to get each teacher to sign our schedules for some reason. Mr. Banner handed me the thick green biology book and led me to one of the tables in the back of the room.

"Here you are, Mr. Cullen. You'll share a lab table with Ms. Swan this semester. According to your grades from your previous school, I'm sure you two will work very well together," he said before walking back up to the front. Hopefully that meant she was smart and not that I was gonna have to carry her ass academically for the entire year.

Slowly, students began to trickle into the classroom. A few glanced my way, but none of them were brave enough to talk to me. When none of the students sat down beside me, I wondered if the mysterious Ms. Swan was absent today.

Mr. Banner stood in front of the class and prepared to start the lesson when the door swung open and a girl quickly stepped inside.

"Isabella, I assume you have a reason for being tardy to class today?" he asked her as she stood by his desk. The girl's cheeks blushed wildly as she bit the side of her lip nervously.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Banner. I was in the library working on my midterm paper for English and I didn't notice what time it was," she said while handing him a piece of paper. "The librarian signed a note for me." Mr. Banner took the note and motioned for her to take a seat.

She walked down the middle of the aisle and almost face planted when she tripped over someone's book bag. I couldn't stop the small snicker that escaped. When she heard me, her head shot up and she locked eyes with me.

Her eyes were dark brown, so dark that they looked almost black. Her cheeks still held some of the blush from earlier and she was smiling widely at me. She picked up her pace to make it to her seat and pulled her biology book out, placing it in front of her on the table.

As Mr. Banner talked about whatever lesson he was teaching today, Isabella hummed. She fucking hummed and nodded her head to whatever fucking tune was playing in her damn mind. I turned my head sharply, looking straight at her, hoping she would look up so I could tell her to shut the hell up.

After five minutes of her smiling, humming and head nodding, I finally got fed up. I let my foot fall off the rail on the bottom of my stool and kicked the leg of hers hard. Her head flew up and she looked at me. Where I expected to see fear or maybe at least anger, all I saw was a huge fucking smile. _What the fuck is wrong with this chick?_

"Hi," she whispered as Mr. Banner continued his lesson. "I'm Bella. What's your name?" I looked at her as she smiled at me, but just shook my head. There had to be something wrong with her. No one is ever this nice for no reason, not to me. I don't need anyone trying to be my friend. I need to stick by myself and get out of here.

I ignored Bella for the rest of the class and was hoping to get out of here before she decided to talk to me more. Everything was going in my favor until Mr. Banner decided we could take the final few minutes to talk quietly. I saw out of the corner of my eyes as Bella turned her body toward mine and faced me.

"So, I'm Bella. I'm so glad Mr. Banner assigned you to sit with me. I've had to do every lab on my own this year and it'll be great to have someone to help me out. What was your name again?" she asked.

"Look. First off, you can knock off the humming and nodding. That shit's gonna get old really fucking quick. Secondly, don't try to make friends with me. I don't need anyone to be my friend, especially not you. I don't need any fucking friends. I'm not here to talk and share, I'm here to pass my fucking grade so I can get out of this hell hole," I said. The bell rang and I quickly left the room before Bella had a chance to respond.

I walked outside and straight over to my car, leaning on the side waiting for Alice. After ten minutes I got fed up and started walking back toward the school to find her. She knew I had somewhere to be this afternoon yet, she still chose to fuck around.

"Hey!" I heard someone call in the distance. I kept walking, looking around to find Alice.

"Hey you!" I heard again and stopped to turn around. Some guy was walking toward me and I could almost swear I could see smoke coming from his ears.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he yelled as he stopped in front of me and pushed my shoulder harshly. I lost my footing a bit and stumbled backwards.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I yelled as I stepped back toward him.

"What the hell gives you the goddamn right to say that shit to her? She came to me in tears after her Biology class saying you fucking yelled at her!" he yelled as he pushed me again. Of course, this had to be about Bella. She couldn't have just kept her fucking mouth shut and let me be.

"Hey! Get your hands off him!" I heard a familiar voice say behind me. Alice stepped up beside me and eyed the fucker in front of me. "What's this about?"

"This fucker right here made my sister cry," he said as he reached to push me again. Alice quickly stepped between us, stopping him.

"Look, I'm sorry for anything my brother did. He can be a real asshole at times," Alice stated.

"Hey," I said in disagreement. I knew I could be an asshole, but she didn't have to go and share that with this complete stranger.

"I could say I'm sorry about pushing your brother, but I'd be lying. He needs to apologize to her. She was just trying to be nice to him," he said, eyeballing me. "My name's Jasper," he said, holding his hand out to Alice.

"I'll make sure he apologizes to her," Alice said as she shook his hand. "My name's Alice." Alice smiled widely as Jasper picked her hand up and placed a kiss on the back of it.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to my car, preparing to leave Alice and her betraying ass here at school. Maybe she can get a ride with that Jasper guy.

There was no way in hell I was apologizing to her. Yeah, I might have been harsh, but I had to be if I wanted everyone to stay away from me. It needed to be that way. It had to be that way. No matter how much I might have wanted someone to talk to about everything, no matter how lonely I got at times, no one could get close to me. Especially not _her_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thanks to Juliegirl18 for being my beta. Thanks to Bella's Executioner and Sariedee for being my pre-readers. **

**EPOV **

As I walked upstairs to my bedroom, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I grabbed it and groaned when I saw who was calling.

"Yeah?" I asked. He couldn't give me one damn afternoon. I knew it was part of the job description of being a parent, but he could give it a rest once in a while.

"Did you go?" Carlisle asked. He did this every time I had an appointment. Like I would actually tell him if I didn't go to the damn thing.

"Yeah, I dropped Alice off at home and went straight there. I'm just getting back home now," I told him as I walked in my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. Maybe if my door was shut Alice would leave me the hell alone.

"Okay, good. Esme should be home in time for dinner so don't get full on crap. She's supposed to be bringing home some take out I think," he said.

"Alright, sounds good. Talk to ya later," I told him, hanging up quickly before he could ask any questions about my appointment. It was a typical appointment. Even though I had to change doctors since moving from Chicago, the actual visit was pretty much the same.

Except the wait time. I had to spend thirty minutes in the lobby waiting to go inside. That thirty minutes allowed too much time for me to be lost in my thoughts. I immediately regretted the way I had spoken to Bella after class. Jasper was right in saying that she was just trying to be nice to me. She had never met me before and was trying to make me feel more welcome at a school where I knew no one but my sister.

The problem was that I didn't want her to be nice to me. I didn't deserve for her to be nice to me. She didn't know this though, and I knew that I needed to apologize to her at school tomorrow.

I tossed my book bag on the floor by my bed and sat down looking around the room. The boxes with all my other belongings had arrived while we were at school. It looked like after homework I was going to be spending the evening unpacking.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~**

I parked my car in the school lot and Alice jumped out quickly. We were here extremely early, but I left the house as quick as I could this morning. I didn't want another run in with Carlisle.

He had cornered me when he got home last night and wanted all the details about my appointment. After spending an agonizing two hours in his study dissecting everything the doctor said, he finally let me walk out only to let me be bombarded by Alice. Alice begged and pleaded with me to apologize to Bella. She was afraid that I was going to ruin her budding romance with Jasper. I rolled my eyes and told her I was already planning on apologizing to her today at school. That was evidently enough for her because she left me alone for the rest of the night.

"Edward, please don't forget to do it. You promised," she said as she tossed her book bag over her shoulder and walked toward the school.

"Yeah, yeah," I said as I waved her off and made my way into the school. I was hoping that I would catch up to Bella before school started, but it didn't look like she would get here in time.

The school day passed quickly and I was finally sitting at the lab table in Advanced Biology. I didn't find myself nervous at all until now. She was just a stupid girl who I happened to be an asshole to. She wasn't the first and I was positive she wouldn't be the last. I just needed to apologize to her and make sure she knew that she needed to stay away from me.

After a few minutes every one was in class and seated. Everyone but Bella, that is. I figured she would be late like she was yesterday, but after Mr. Banner's brief description of today's lab and his movement to pass out the needed materials, I figured she wouldn't be showing up today. _What kind of goody-fucking-two-shoes works on her damn mid-term on the first day of school anyway?_

"Mr. Cullen, you will be doing this lab alone today. Do you think you can handle that?" Mr. Banner asked, as he handed me my materials. _Figures she'd leave me alone too._

"Yeah, I'm good," I told him as I began my work.

After class, I made my way to my car hoping like hell Alice wouldn't make me wait all afternoon. I didn't have an appointment today, but that didn't mean I wasn't ready to leave this hell hole. My day had been shitty since Bella hadn't shown up in class. Turned out she did that shit often. She had the teachers here wrapped around her little finger and she was able to skip class as often as she liked. She probably wasn't even working on her mid-term. She was probably fucking roaming the halls or some shit.

After walking through most of the lot with my head down, I finally looked up and was shocked at what I saw. Bella was in the parking lot. She was opening the door of the large beast of a truck that I noticed pulling in on my first day here. Deciding I needed to go ahead and get this over with now, I called out to her.

"Bella!" I yelled out as I jogged over to her. She raised her head at my voice and didn't bother to hide the scowl on her face.

"Edward," she said curtly as she placed her bag in the passenger seat and turned back around to face me.

"You weren't in class today," I said as I stood with my hands in my pockets, rocking back on my heels.

"Yeah, I had something to take care of in the library," she said before turning to get in her truck. I reached out and grabbed her elbow to stop her and she turned quickly, glaring at me.

"Look, I just wanted to apologize to you for yesterday. I know I was a complete asshole, but I was doing it for your own good. Jasper told me that you were just trying to be nice, but you really don't have to be... not to me." She sighed and rolled her eyes at me.

"I don't want you to apologize to me just because Jasper asked you to," she said. God, this girl was going to be so fucking frustrating.

"I'm not doing it because he told me to! Look, I get it. I was an asshole to you and it was stupid. I'm sorry. That doesn't mean I want to be your friend though. Believe me, you don't wanna be by friend," I said, just as Alice and Jasper walked up to us.

"Everything okay here?" Jasper asked as he stepped away from Alice to stand beside Bella. She looked at him and rolled her eyes, but nodded. Alice nudged me with her elbow and motioned to Bella with her eyebrows. She begged me all night to not only apologize to Bella, but to also introduce them. She just knew they were going to be great friends.

"Bella, this is Alice, my sister. Alice, Bella," I said as Alice smiled brightly at her. Bella smiled shyly at her and stuck her hand out toward Alice, but my sister was having none of that. Alice stepped forward and pulled Bella into her arms, hugging her tightly. She locked her eyes with me over Alice's shoulder. They were wide and questioning, and I couldn't help but snicker a bit at her expression.

"We're gonna be great friends," Alice told her as she stepped away from Bella to stand beside Jasper. Jasper shook his head, but didn't bother saying anything. It seemed that in the short amount of time he knew Alice, he already knew when to keep his mouth shut around her. He might be around for a while.

"Oh! I have a great idea! You guys can all come over and hang out at our house Friday. You can bring Rose too. It'll be so much fun!" Alice said, excitedly. First off, I had no fucking clue who the hell Rose was, and I had no idea why Alice thought it would be a good idea to have all these people come over to our house. She knew I wasn't much for socializing. I needed to put a stop to this.

"Alice, I don't think..." I started but was interrupted as Alice began talking on her phone.

"Hi, Mom," she spoke. Thank God she was talking to Esme. I was sure Esme could talk some sense into her.

"I was thinking about inviting some friends over Friday night," she said, pausing to let Esme speak. I hated only hearing one side of this conversation.

"Yeah, just three," she said. _Come on Esme. Don't fail me now._

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Alice squealed into the phone, only seconds away from jumping up and down. _Thank you Esme. _Alice stuck her phone back in her pocket and smiled widely.

"She said it would be fine if you guys came over. She's gonna grab some snacks and stuff and rent a couple of movies," she said. Bella sighed and bit at her bottom lip.

"What time should we be there?" Jasper asked.

"What time do you think, Edward? Six should be okay, right?" Alice asked me as if I cared. I didn't give a fuck what time they came over because I wasn't going to be around. I'd be damned if they'd ruin my whole damn weekend.

"What the fuck ever, Alice. I don't give a damn," I groaned as I walked away.

**A/N: I know a lot of you are hating Edward right now. Please remember that you don't know his story yet...just give him a little time. ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks once again to Juliegirl18 for being my wonderful beta and to sariedee and Bella's Executioner for pre-reading for me. **

**EPOV **

I walked downstairs as soon as I heard the doorbell ring. I knew that Alice's new-found friends had no chance at ringing the doorbell once she spotted them pulling into the driveway. So, it had to be the pizza Esme had ordered arriving.

I walked into the kitchen prepared to fill a plate with a few slices and grab some chips and soda before retreating back to my bedroom, but was surprised at what, or should I say who, I found there.

Bella stood by the kitchen counter while Alice opened up the pizza boxes. Bella and I had come to an understanding after our little chat the other day. We could be civil during class and talk to each other only when necessary to do the lab work. She would constantly talk, but never expected me to talk back. She never asked me any questions. It was like she was just voicing her observations out loud, rather than internally. She, along with her brother Jasper and her sister Rose, sat at the lunch table with Alice and I. She never spoke to me when we were around everyone else, only when we were in class. While they all chatted about their day, I sat at the end of the table quickly eating my food so I could leave.

"Ha! I knew you would think it was the pizza and come downstairs," Alice said as she handed Bella a plate. I had already told her this afternoon that I would be spending the entire night alone in my room. I had no desire to 'hang out' with them and watch movies. Esme tried to tell me it might do some good to make some friends, but I quickly shot that idea down.

"Just give me some damn pizza so I can go back to my room," I told her, trying to grab a few slices and put them on a plate. She kept twisting and turning, holding the box tightly in her hands.

"Come on, Edward. I came home for the weekend, so the least you could do is hang downstairs with us and watch a couple of movies," Emmett said as he grabbed the box from Alice. I scowled at both of them and plated a few slices. Bella had since made her way to the living room where Rose and Jasper were.

"Fine. I'm only watching one movie. That's it. Then I'm going back to my room and you can leave me the fuck alone," I said before walking into the living room. Emmett and Alice came in the room behind me, walking around to find their seat. Jasper sat in one of the chairs in the room, so Alice sat down in front of him. Emmett sat down beside Rose, who was sitting on the love seat. Which left Bella, who was sitting on the far end of the sofa. It was either sit on the sofa with her or sit on the floor. Since I wasn't going to sit on the hard ass floor in my own damn house, I chose to sit on the opposite end of the sofa, as far away from her as I could get.

Alice grabbed the remote and started the movie as everyone began to eat. It did at least look like some type of movie I could get into. Already in the first five minutes there seemed to be a lot of explosions.

After I finished my pizza, I leaned forward and placed my plate on the coffee table in front of the sofa. I glanced over at Bella as I leaned back and she was staring intently at me.

Our eyes locked and neither of us looked away. Her dark brown eyes looked like they were looking right through me, right into my soul. I blinked several times and shook my head before turning my attention back to the movie.

I could still feel her staring at me from time to time. My skin would start to tingle, like it does when you're beginning to get chill bumps. But every time I looked her way, she would be looking at the television.

As the credits began to roll on the television, Jasper and Alice broke off into their own conversation, as well as Rose and Emmett. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag and began to gather the plates and cups from the living room.

I still felt her staring at me and it finally began to get on my nerves. Who the hell did she think she was, coming in here and staring me down like I was going to suddenly reveal everything to her? I looked up quickly at her, but found her focused on Jasper and Alice.

I tied the trash bag up and sat it by the door leading to the kitchen. Since everyone else seemed to be absorbed in someone else, I walked to the DVD player to put the movie back in the box.

I could feel her eyes on me. It felt like they were burning a hole in my damn back. It was like she was staring at me, trying to get me to strip away the layers of my skin, to reveal my soul.

"What the fuck?" I yelled as I spun around to face her. She jumped back quickly, her back resting on the back of the sofa. Every one stared at me, their jaws practically on the floor in shock.

"Fuck this shit," I mumbled as I walked toward the door. I could hear Emmett and Alice calling my name, trying to get me to stop, but I kept walking up the stairs and into my room.

I had no idea who this Bella girl was or why she thought she could be my friend. I didn't need any friends. I'd lived my entire life without her friendship and I could go on without it now.

I walked over to my stereo, turned it up loudly, and began to pace angrily back and forth. I could hear someone, probably Emmett knocking on my door, but he knew better than to walk in here. He had seen me in this kind of mood before and knew that I needed some time alone.

I walked over to the bed and laid down, staring at the ceiling. After a few minutes I closed my eyes and listened to the bass coming from the music. I breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm my nerves.

After a little while, although I had no idea how long, the room suddenly got quiet. Someone had turned the music off.

"What the fuck?" I said, as I sat up quickly.

"Language, please," Carlisle said as he walked away from the stereo to sit on the end of my bed. I should have expected this. I was sure that the minute he walked in the damn door, Alice went running to him saying I scared off her new friend.

"What happened down there?" he asked as he stared at me. I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"Did you take your meds this morning?"

"Yes. You know I always take my meds. Esme has them lined up very nicely for me every morning. I couldn't get away with not taking them if I tried."

"Well, what happened Edward? You scared that poor girl to death," he said. Sounded to me like Ms. Bella was turning out to be a drama queen.

"I don't know! She was staring at me and it just creeped me out. She's been trying to be my friend since I started school and you know how I feel about that. I don't need anyone's friendship. I can't let anyone get close to me. I can't handle that," I told him.

He sighed loudly and shook his head sadly before rising from the bed. He walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him without another word to me. I know he and Esme hated the fact that I didn't want to make any friends. I didn't even like the idea of getting close to Alice and Emmett at first, but finally relented since it was hard to ignore two people living under the same roof as me.

It was just the way it had to be. I would be alone and have no friends and I was perfectly fine with that.

**A/N: I've got a few recc's to make this week. Once you read and review this chapter, how about heading over and checking these two stories out.**

_**Confidential **_**by wandb - An amazing story that I think everyone will love!  
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_**See You Again **_**by Mrs. Robward -This story has me constantly refreshing my inbox hoping for an update to pop up!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18 for beta'ing. Thanks to Bella's Executioner and sariedee for pre-reading. And thanks to MandyLeigh87 for helping me out with a few things. **

**And now for another quick glimpse at what's happening in present time...**

**BPOV**

I reached into the back seat, grabbing my purse before getting out of the car. As I got out, I glanced around the parking lot. There didn't seem to be too many people here at this time of the day. Ms. Johnson, the older lady that worked at the library, slowly walked across the lot toward her fancy Cadillac. A teenage boy wearing the bright blue uniform polo was gathering carts from the corral. Hopefully I could get through this trip without any annoying altercations. The last time I was here I had to leave my cart in the middle of the aisle after Mrs. Mallory bombarded me with way too many questions.

I quickly walked inside and grabbed a shopping cart, placing my purse in the front. I made my way over to the produce. I grabbed some tomatoes, lettuce and celery and placed them into the cart. They would be great for a quick salad one night.

Before I knew it, I'd grabbed avocados. I had several of them bagged and ready to be put in the cart. I hated avocados. _He _loved avocados. I had no need to buy them, so I tossed them back on the display with the others. _Stupid fruit, with your stupid almost black skin and your stupid pit that requires special removal. You taste horrible and make me sick. Fuck you avocados!_

I walked down the aisle of the frozen food section, grabbing a few frozen dinners for those nights I didn't feel like cooking at all, which happened to be a lot lately. Thinking along those lines I decided to toss a few more into the cart. Who wouldn't want to dine on some breaded chicken with gravy and green beans? Or how about some lasagna with meat sauce?

On the cereal aisle, I grabbed the one box of cereal that I liked. The healthy one. Not the three boxes of sugar filled waste because he can't decide whether he wants cookies, marshmallows or sugar coated flakes.

In the dairy section, I grabbed the half gallon of low fat milk because the full gallon of whole milk would be wasted on just me. I had no need to drink a large glass of milk every night before bed and preferred the low fat rather than the full fat version.

I carefully placed my groceries on the belt and wait for the cashier to ring me up. She glanced at me and there was the first look of pity for the day. That was why I hated going anywhere nowadays. Everyone looked at me with pity and sadness. I didn't want them to look at me at all. I wanted to be able to walk into the store like any normal person. I only wanted people to stare at me when I tripped over something and fell flat on my ass, not when I was forced to buy them smaller package of sliced cheese because the larger one would go bad before I had a chance to eat it all.

I grabbed one of the gossip magazines and flipped through a few pages before tossing it on the belt with the food. It seemed like Hollywood's "It" couple was doomed. _Who isn't nowadays? _If _he _was here, he would have ragged me about reading the trashy gossip and put the magazine back on the rack.

But he's not here, so I grabbed two more and placed them with my groceries and moved to pay the cashier. I was looking forward to a night filled with reading about celebrities lives. God knows nothing will ever be written about mine unless its a tragedy.

When the young girl told me how much I owed her, I was surprised that the amount was so low. I've realized that buying groceries for one person rather than two is saving me a lot of money.

I should probably thank him for that, but for some reason I can't find it in my heart to do so.

**A/N: Before you complain about the chapter length, remember in the first a/n I said that Bella's chapters would be shorter and probably vague. More will come out the further we get into the story.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18 for beta'ing. Thanks to Bella's Executioner and sariedee for pre-reading for me. And thanks to MandyLeigh87 for continuing to help me out in any way she can.**

**EPOV**

I slammed the door of my car and rushed into the school. I was running late because I was an ass this morning. Alice came in to wake me up and I yelled at her. I told her to leave me the fuck alone and to catch a ride with Jasper. She should be used to it by now though. It's a usual occurrence around here.

Honestly, this time it wasn't really my fault. All weekend, she and Emmett had been trying to get me to tell them what the hell had made me blow up at Bella Friday night. Carlisle told me that it was my decision whether to tell them about our talk that night, and I chose not to. They didn't like that decision, so they pestered me all fucking weekend about it. I was so annoyed by the sound of Alice's voice that I blew up at her this morning. She'd lived with me long enough that she should have known better. Some would say that I should have known better too, but it wasn't something I could help.

After checking in at the office with Ms. Cope, I made my way to my third period class that was almost ending. It seemed that I slept through most of the day. All that was left was lunch and Advanced Biology. When I walked into the classroom, everyone stared at me as I made my way to my seat, but that was something that I had grown used to.

I hoped that Bella would be absent again for some reason today. Hopefully she zoned out in the library again and wouldn't make it to class. I wasn't sure I was ready to see her again. Everyone kept telling me how nice she was, how much I would like her. It didn't matter. It never mattered. I didn't care how nice she was, I didn't want to be friends with her. I couldn't be friends with her because in the end, both of us would be hurt.

After a very uneventful lunch, filled with long silences and cold shoulders, I made my way to the Biology classroom. Since Bella hadn't been at the lunch table with Rose, Jasper and Alice, I was hoping she would be absent from here as well. But of course, my incredible luck struck again.

As I walked into the classroom, I noticed Bella already sitting at our lab table. I don't know what I was expecting, but she was sitting quietly and looking completely normal. I guess I figured she'd be smiling and ready to strike up a conversation. Thankfully, I had taken my time getting to the classroom and Mr. Banner was ready to start class as soon as I was seated.

"Okay class, today I'm going to hand out your midterm project assignments. Your partner for these projects will be the same as your lab partner," Mr. Banner announced. With Bella as my project partner there was no way I was going to be able to ignore her.

"Edward," I heard Bella whisper lowly as Mr. Banner passed around the project sign-up sheet. I turned my body slightly in the other direction and tried to ignore her. I was pretty sure she could tell what I was doing. The more and more she tried to get my attention, the more and more pissed off she sounded.

When the assignment sheet finally made it to our table, I didn't bother turning around to face her. After a few minutes, I finally heard her huff loudly and her sharp elbow hit me right in the gut.

"What the fuck?" I whispered loudly as I spun around to face her. She tried to hide the shock on her face and replace it with a scowl, but it didn't work.

"I picked the one about the plants. Hope you don't care because you didn't bother to give your input. I figure I can come by your house some time in the next few weeks to work on it. Is that okay?" she asked. I rolled my eyes at her rambling and knew I couldn't just ignore her obvious question.

"Fine. Whatever," I said just before the bell rang. I quickly gathered my things and rushed out of the classroom. As I pushed through the double doors at the front of the school and walked into the parking lot, I could feel her running up behind me to catch up.

"Edward! Edward, would you slow down? Please?" she yelled across the lot. For some reason when she said please I knew I had to stop. I could almost picture her face in my mind as she said the word, her dark brown eyes drooping slightly in sadness. It was like I could feel the tightness in my chest at the thought of not pleasing her.

"What do you want, Bella?" I asked her without turning around. She finally caught up with me and walked around to stand in front of me. I finally looked up at her and almost busted out laughing. She was breathing heavily and had her hands on her hips. She tried her best to look like a dangerous tiger, but came off looking like a frightened kitten.

"Why won't you talk to me?" she asked when she finally caught her breath. I sighed and continued walking to my car.

"I told you, Bella. You don't want me to be your friend," I said.

"I can see what you're trying to do here. You're trying to be the bad boy, but that's not who you really are," she said as she walked along side me. The more I realized just how much she understood me, the angrier I could feel myself getting. Here came this girl, who'd I only really known for a couple of days, and she could read me right off the bat. It was a little unnerving.

"Bella, please. You don't need someone like me in your life, trust me," I said honestly. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.

"You don't scare me," she said. I began to take deep breaths, in and out, to try and calm myself. I could feel my blood pressure rising and yet she continued to badger me.

"You're wearing this mask and trying to scare everyone away, but it's not working. I just wanna be your friend, Edward," she said, but I'd finally had enough. I was so fucking tired of people trying to fix me. Why couldn't everyone just leave me the fuck alone and let me be? I spun around quickly to face her. I grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her a little. Her eyes grew wide and she gasped loudly.

"Just leave me the fuck alone, Bella!" I screamed at her before releasing her with a shove. She stumbled a bit, but thankfully didn't fall. Even with the distance between us, I could see the tears forming in her eyes. Knowing it wouldn't do me any good to see her cry, I turned quickly and walked to my car. I had a feeling if I saw Bella cry, she'd be even more under my skin than she was right now.

I sat in the driver's seat of my car, staring at the girl I was sure hated me now. I don't know what had come over me, but I was sure I'd scared the shit out of her. Bella wasn't backing down though. She stood in the same spot I pushed her into, her eyes never leaving mine. I could see the tears streaming down her face and her body shaking with emotion.

I had finally decided I'd had enough and decided to walk over and apologize to her. I knew what I did was wrong and I wanted to make sure she was alright. I couldn't recall how many times over the years that I'd said something harsh to Alice only to have to apologize for it later. Just as I pushed my door open, Bella ran off in the other direction.

Maybe I had finally succeeded in what I'd wanted to do all along. Maybe I had scared her off for good. That was a good thing, right?


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18 for beta'ing for me, Bella's Executioner and sariedee for pre-reading and MandyLeigh87 for helping me out in any way she can.**

****Remember the warning I put with the first chapter. Well, here's where it comes in to play. Some things might not be suitable for all readers...just sayin'. Read with caution.****

**EPOV**

You know that saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone?" Well, I can totally relate to that now.

Bella hadn't spoken a word to me all week. I knew that I wanted her to leave me alone and to not try and be my friend, but I didn't realize how much I would miss her. She wasn't even sitting with us at lunch anymore, and of course Alice blamed that completely on me. I was positive that Jasper was going to kick my ass the next day after I pushed Bella, but he hadn't even said a word about it.

In a little less than a week, Bella had pushed her way into every corner of my life. I missed her annoying humming during class. I missed her stupid observations during lunch. I even missed her annoyingly nosey questions.

I had tried every day to get her to talk to me again. Thankfully, Mr. Banner had just given us busy work over the past few days. I'd asked her questions about herself. I asked what her favorite book was? Favorite movie? Favorite color? She ignored them all. I mentioned some songs that I thought she might like since she liked to hum. She ignored me. I even went so far as to make stupid observations about everyone in class and she continued to ignore me.

By Friday, I was fed up. I watched her rush to get out of class and decided I had enough. I gathered my things quickly and ran after her. I found her in the parking lot by her truck.

"Bella, look. This is getting a little ridiculous here," I said. She looked shocked as she turned to face me.

"Whatever. I'm just doing like you asked, Edward. I'm leaving you the fuck alone," she said, her voice full of disdain. I knew my work was going to be cut out for me. Bella was definitely going to be a hard ass and it wasn't going to be easy to get her to forgive me.

"I only said that I didn't think we _should_ be friends. I didn't say that I didn't _want _to be friends. I just thought that it would be better if we weren't. I don't want you to get hurt," I told her honestly. She looked at me and shook her head.

"Your stupid mood swings are making me crazy. One minute you ask me to leave you alone and the next you're begging me to talk to you. Make up your damn mind, Edward!" she said as she packed all her belongings in her truck.

"Okay, okay. I'd like to try... to be friends. I could really use a friend," I said quietly as I looked down at my feet. After a few seconds of silence I looked back up at her to find her smirking.

"Now, was that so hard?" she asked.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

The next week went great. Bella was talking to me, I was being nice to her. She was sitting with us again at lunch so Alice had no reason to be a bitch to me anymore. All was well.

At least it was until I woke up on Saturday morning. Bella was supposed to come by later today so we could work on our Biology project, but I knew the minute I looked at the calendar that today would suck. I couldn't believe that the date had snuck up on me this year. Usually I get incredibly pissy around the time, but Bella had pretty much made me forget... for once.

I was tempted to call and cancel on her, but everything had been going so well between us. I figured I could suck it up for a couple of hours while she was here. Nothing much could happen in a couple of hours. Right?

The door bell rang as I was finishing gathering the stuff for our project. I placed everything on the kitchen counter and went to answer the door. Bella stood on the doorstep, her hair pulled in a high ponytail, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I was glad that she wasn't the typical girl that felt the need to dress up. If I dated, she would be the type of girl I would choose. _Where the fuck did that come from?_

"Hey, Edward," she said as she stepped around me to enter the house. I walked behind her into the living room. She had been over so many times already to see Alice that she pretty much knew her way around the house. Esme joked that it was like having another daughter.

"Hey. I put everything in the kitchen," I said as we walked side by side. I could see that Bella kept glancing over at me. Even though we'd known each other for less than a month, she had a way of reading my moods. She could tell when something was wrong just by looking at my face. I just hoped that she was able to keep her questions to herself today. I really wasn't in the mood to deal with it.

"What's wrong?" she said as we began to set up the items for the experiment. I really should have known she would do this. I should have just canceled. I really didn't want to blow up at her.

"Just leave it alone, Bella. Please," I told her. Hopefully, the word please would have the same affect on her as it did to me when she said it. After a few minutes of silently working together I heard Bella huff loudly and knew it was coming.

"I just want you to talk to me," she said as she turned around from the sink, a cup full of water in her hand. I turned around about the same time and ended up with a shirt soaked in water.

"Goddammit, Bella! Can't you just leave well enough alone," I yelled before storming off into the living room. Emmett was in there, having come home again for the weekend so Esme could do his laundry. He took one look at me and realized that I really needed to be alone. Most of the family knew that I wanted to be left alone today. Alice couldn't believe that I had actually agreed that Bella could come over and work on the project today.

I sat down on the sofa, my hands gripped tightly in my hair as I tried to control my anger. I really didn't want to be angry with her, but she just wouldn't shut up. After a few minutes I felt the couch dip down slightly beside me.

"Bad day?" she asked quietly. I laughed a little and nodded my head.

"You could say that," I said as I looked at her. She wasn't scared this time, at least.

"I'm sorry I pushed you. I should have..." she said, but I quickly interrupted her.

"It's the anniversary of my parents' death," I told her. I heard her gasp and her hand reached over to touch mine. I flinched out of the way and stood up.

"I'm sorry. If I would have known..." she said.

"Look. I know I said that we could be friends, but I really don't think that's gonna work out. I was adopted by Carlilse and Esme after they died, and it's just always taken time for me to trust people. I don't want you to waste your time," I told her honestly. And that's all she would be doing if she tried to be friends with me. She would be wasting her time trying to get a broken person to open up to her.

"I was adopted too, Edward. I know how you feel," she said as she stood up beside me. I was a little shocked, but I couldn't get over the anger I felt when she said she knew how I felt. No one knew how I felt.

"My mother was murdered, Bella." I said through gritted teeth. She stepped toward me again, but I took another step backwards.

"Mine was too. My mom and my dad," she whispered as tears began falling from her eyes. Who the fuck did she think she was coming in here and feeding me these fucking lies, trying to get me to open up to her?

"Really? Well, Bella, guess what? I bet you didn't watch your father shoot your mother and then hold a gun to his own head and pull the trigger, did you? I bet you didn't sit there for hours, covered in your mother's blood wondering what you should do? I bet you didn't wonder why your father decided to take everything that meant anything to you and leave you with nothing!" I yelled at her before rushing out of the room and up the stairs.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thanks to juliegirl18 for beta'ing for me. Thanks to Bella's Executioner and sariedee for both being such awesome pre-readers.**

**Remember the warning from before. **

**EPOV**

I had a real problem. It was called foot-in-mouth disease. I rarely thought about what was coming out of my mouth before I spoke. I knew the minute I got upstairs that what I said to Bella was fucking harsh. She probably expected it of me by now, but what I said was plain mean.

To be honest, she shocked me. I had no clue that she was adopted, and I sure as hell had no clue about her parents being murdered. I knew it was stupid for me to think that she was saying that shit just to get to me, but I had never had anyone get under my skin like that. From the moment I met Bella, she had me agitated, yet interested.

Before even stepping foot in my bedroom, I turned around and slowly made my way downstairs. I knew I needed to apologize to her. It wasn't the first time and I was positive it wouldn't be the last. I just hoped she stuck around despite my attitude. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I could hear Emmett in the living room speaking with someone.

"I didn't mean to upset him," she said. I peaked around the corner and saw Bella sitting on the couch with Emmett beside her. He reached over and patted her shoulder as she wiped the tears away from her cheeks. How many times had I made her cry already? How many more times would it happen? I silently lowered myself down and sat on the bottom step.

"It's alright. He'll take a few minutes to cool off and be back to his old, adorable self in no time," Emmett said, trying to make light of the situation. He probably knew that better than anyone else. I couldn't count the number of times I had blown up at him over the years.

"What can I do?" she asked. I didn't know how I felt about her actually wanting to help after what I'd said to her. Anyone else probably would have been running away, but not this girl.

"There's nothing you can do. Most people would say to just be there for him, but if I know Edward, the last thing he wants right now is for anyone to be around him. It's just the way he's always been. It may be an hour, it may be a day or so, but I'm sure he'll come find you when he's ready," he told her as they both stood up from the couch.

"Well, I guess I'm gonna head out then. Just let him know I'm sorry, okay?" she said as she walked toward the front door with Emmett following behind her.

"You should tell him yourself, but I'll let him know," he said before shutting the door behind her. He turned around and looked directly at me sitting on the steps. I was surprised that Bella hadn't spotted me when she walked into the entryway, but I guess her mind was on other things.

"How much did ya' hear?" Emmett asked me as he sat down on the step beside me.

"Most of it, I think," I told him honestly. I was pretty sure I had caught their whole conversation, tears and all.

"You really hurt her feelings, man. She had no idea about what happened and you just blew the fuck up at her," he said, angrily. I snapped my head up and looked him dead in the eyes.

"You think I don't know that shit? I knew I fucked up so I came down here to apologize to her, but I heard you guys talking. I figured she'd rather talk to you than me so I sat here and waited," I told him.

"You mean you eavesdropped," he said, laughing a little. I shrugged my shoulders. "You really need to tell her. She just wants to be your friend."

"What if I don't want her to be my friend?" I asked him quietly, knowing deep down it was a complete lie.

"That's just it. I think you do want her to be your friend and that scares the shit out of ya," he said before standing up, clapping me on the shoulder and walking upstairs. I sat there for a little bit and thought about what Emmett said.

I did want Bella to be my friend and he was right, it did scare the shit out of me. I knew that I needed someone other than my 'family' to talk to and Bella seemed like the perfect person. She knew more about the shit I had been through than probably anyone else I knew.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

I made the short walk up the stone path and stepped onto the porch. It had taken me five minutes to walk over to Bella's house, but I stood on the sidewalk in front of her house for fifteen minutes trying to talk myself into coming this far.

I knocked on the door and stepped back, waiting for someone to open it. No longer than a few seconds later the door opened and revealed Rose.

"Hey, is Bella here?" I asked her, hoping she wouldn't ask any questions and just let her know I was here. She eyed me up and down before shaking her head.

"No, she's not here," she told me.

"Oh, okay then," I said before turning around and walking back down the doorsteps. I was on the final step when I heard Rose speak again.

"But I'm pretty sure if you look next door, you'll find her down the path in the backyard," she said as she pointed at the house on the right. I looked over at the house and back at Rose in question.

"It was the house she grew up in. She begged our parents not to sell it and they didn't. She sometimes goes over there when she needs to think," she said before stepping back inside and shutting the door.

I took a deep breath and walked through the wooden fence that led to the backyard of the house Bella grew up in. It was a small house, perfect for a small family. I could almost picture a younger Bella playing in the backyard.

I spotted the worn path Rose had spoke of and made my way a little deeper into the woods. After a few minutes I came upon a clearing and slowly walked a little closer. Bella was sitting on a large rock to the side of the clearing, looking down at the flowers that grew around her.

"I know you're there," she spoke, scaring the fuck out of me.

"Shit! You scared me," I said as I walked to stand beside her.

"What can I do for you, Edward?" she asked as I took a seat beside her.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. Bella looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "What I said to you back at my house was pretty damn harsh. I shouldn't have done that." I looked back down at my lap as she continued to fiddle with the weeds around her feet. I knew I needed to share my story with her and what better time than now. It would be the first time I shared my story with anyone other than family, policemen or doctors.

"When I was ten years old my father murdered my mother and then shot himself in the head. He came and got me out of my room and asked me to follow him into their bedroom. I walked into the bedroom and he had my mom sitting in a chair in the middle of the floor. He kept saying shit about her taking me away from him, not letting him see me, which was absolute shit because I hardly ever saw my father anyway. He pulled a small handgun from the back of his pants and started waving it in the air. He scared the fuck out of me. My father was never violent toward me. Yeah, he and my mom had their fair share of fights, but he'd never done anything like that before, at least, not that I knew of."

"He looked at me and told me to tell my mother goodbye. I looked at him for a second and then walked over to my mother and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I just figured they were gonna go out or something. I mean, I was ten years old. What kid is gonna believe that their father could do something like that? Anyway, after I kissed her and told her I loved her, I sat down on the floor by her feet. I looked up at my father just as he raised the gun and pulled the trigger. I felt the blood splatter across my face and watched my mother's body fall to the floor in front of me. I looked up at my father then and watched him put the gun to his temple and pull the trigger. His body slumped to the floor too and I just sat there. I have no idea how long I sat there, covered in my mother's blood and my hand resting on her back."

"My father was sick. I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. He was diagnosed as being bi-polar. Before we left Chicago I was diagnosed with the same thing. That's why I said it wasn't safe for us to be friends, Bella. I don't think you should want to be around me. I'm just trying to make sure you don't get hurt."

I finally looked up from the ground, only to find Bella watching me intently. She slowly lifted her hand and brought it over to mine that was resting on my thigh. She flipped my hand over and locked our fingers together tightly.

"Why don't you let me make that decision, Edward? I want to be your friend," she said, smiling. I let out a breath and smiled at her.

"Good, because I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore," I told her as she continued to grip my hand tightly in hers.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thanks as usual to juliegirl18 for beta'ing and to sariedee, Bella's Executioner and MandyLeigh87 pre-reading.**

**EPOV**

Bella and I sat in the clearing behind her old house for a little while longer. I could feel her glance at me every once in a while like she wanted to say something more, but so far she hadn't. Finally my temper got the best of me and I yelled at her again.

"Just say what the fuck you wanna say, Bella!" I said harshly, seeing her jump out of the corner of my eye.

"Shit. Sorry, I just can't stand it when you sit there and fucking look at me without saying anything," I told her honestly.

"I don't do that," she said, looking at me. I looked straight at her, my eyebrow arched in amusement. "Do I?"

"All the fucking time," I said, laughing. She began to laugh with me and the tension in the air was broken. After we had calmed our laughter, Bella finally asked what was on her mind.

"So the reason you were having such a bad day was because it's the anniversary of what happened?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah. It's been seven years. I usually end up spending it all alone, but this year I'm glad I'm not," I said, smiling at her. It was the truth. I had always spent this day alone, but I was glad that Bella was here with me.

"Well I'm glad that for once you aren't alone today," Bella said sincerely.

"Me too," I said quietly.

"So, why did you move to Forks?" she asked. I figured I would be pissed when someone finally asked me this question, but when Bella asked, I found that I really wanted to tell her.

"Before I was diagnosed, I started hanging out with some really rough people. I started drinking and doing a lot of drugs. One night I ended up in the hospital. I had taken a lot of shit and was pretty fucking close to having alcohol poisoning. That's when I ended up being diagnosed as being bi-polar. The doctors told me that I was in a manic phase for a while and that's what caused my behavior. I stayed in a treatment facility for a while, until they got my meds right. Carlisle and Esme didn't want me to fall back in with the same crowd, so we moved here." I looked over at Bella as she quietly processed what I said.

"Wow. So, I take it the treatment facility helped?" she asked.

"The doctors there helped get my meds straight and everything, but that place sucked. I never, ever want to end up in a place like that again. Ever."

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

After that day in the meadow, Bella and I started spending a lot of time together. It wasn't us hanging out with Alice, Jasper and Rose. It was just me and her, alone.

Most of the time she would head over to our house after school and we'd work on homework together at the kitchen table. Sometimes we would just sit in silence in the meadow. On Friday nights, Bella and Rose would spend the night with Alice a lot. After the girls went to bed, Bella found her way downstairs where I would be sitting in the living room, watching a movie. I would lift up the blanket I was under, allowing her to climb in. She'd wiggle beside me until she got comfortable and then reach over and take the bowl of popcorn from my lap.

We weren't dating or anything, but it did often feel that way, especially if we went to the movies with everyone. Alice and Jasper would be paired up, and if Emmett happened to be home for the weekend, he and Rose would be. That of course left Bella and I to sit together. We might as well have been dating, except of course, minus the kissing part.

And lately I found myself wondering about the kissing part. I had taken over Bella's habit of watching and not speaking. When she was working on her homework at the table, I would stare at the way she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to work through a problem. Which would lead me to wonder what it would be like to nibble on that lip myself. Then she would look up at me and I would have to look down quickly and pretend to be working.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Bella and I were supposed to be just friends. I wasn't saying that Bella wasn't the type of girl that I would want to date. I had come to believe lately that if I wanted to start dating, Bella would definitely be the girl I would choose. But it wasn't about that with us. We were supposed to be friends. I wasn't supposed to get close to her in the first place. That plan had already went to hell and I really didn't mind.

Even after almost three months in Forks, I hadn't really made any friends, other than Bella, Jasper and Rose. Everyone tended to steer clear of me and my moody behavior which didn't bother me. I rarely had to deal with any gossip, but some of the chatter around the school this morning got to me.

I overheard Jessica and Lauren talking by their lockers about someone who had snapped at a couple of people earlier. After lingering for a few minutes, I realized they were talking about Bella. They said she had snapped at Mike and Tyler earlier in their History class and then ran out of the classroom in tears.

Once I heard that, I took off down the hallway in search of Bella. I would usually see her during the day by now and suddenly realized I hadn't today. I checked the library, her usual hangout, and found it empty. I even lingered around the bathrooms to see if she came out of one of them and she hadn't.

I walked back down the main hallway and spotted Jasper and Rose standing by the gym doors. By the time I had gotten to them, Alice had joined them.

"Have you guys seen Bella?" I asked them, half out of breath. Rose and Jasper shook their heads.

"No. I haven't seen her since she got here this morning," Rose said. Jasper shrugged his shoulders.

"I think I saw her headed toward the office earlier," Alice said. Without responding, I turned and ran toward the office. When I walked in, I found Ms. Cope and hoped that she could answer my question.

"Ms. Cope, can you tell me if Bella Swan has been in today?" I asked her in the sweetest voice I could manage, hoping it would work. She smiled at me and I could have sworn she blushed.

"Yes, she has. But I'm sorry, she checked out just a few minutes ago for the day," she answered. I cursed quietly under my breath and walked out of the office.

I walked down the hall, lost in thought, trying to figure out exactly what had upset Bella. Had either of those fuckers said something to her? If they did, they would have me to deal with. Bella was a good person who didn't need people like that fucking with her.

I walked back over to where everyone was at and they immediately asked what I had found out.

"Did you find her?" Alice asked. I shook my head.

"No. Ms. Cope said she had left for the day. I heard Jessica and Lauren say that she ran out of their History class in tears," I told them. Rose and Alice gasped and Jasper had the same angry look on his face I was sure I had.

I suddenly remembered one conversation that Bella and I had recently. She talked about how everyone at school was happy about the upcoming holiday season and how she was never happy around this time of year. While Bella was usually an upbeat person, I was sure that she would probably take on the same emotions I did just a few weeks ago.

"Jasper, when did Bella's parents die?" I turned to him and asked. His eyes got huge and Rose's filled with tears.

"Fuck," he said, as he ran his hands through his hair. I didn't need any more confirmation of what today was as I ran out of the school and to my car.

Today was the anniversary of Bella's parents' murder.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18 for beta'ing and Bella's Executioner and Saridee for pre-reading. **

**So I figured since I had a few chapters banked, I'd give you guys an extra update this week. Is that okay? ;)**

**EPOV**

I raced down the road toward Bella's house, beating myself up the entire time. I was pissed at myself for not knowing before now. I should have listened to her more.

I looked back on the past few days and remembered Bella being very confrontational. Where she usually quietly took my shitty attitude, this week she had snapped right back. At the time I thought that maybe she was just getting used to me, but if I had been a better person, I would have realized what it was. I acted the same way in the days leading up to the anniversary of my parents' death's.

In all honesty though, I couldn't blame only myself. Jasper and Rose had lived with Bella a hell of a lot longer than I had known her and they hadn't even realized what today was until I asked. If I knew Bella, and I was pretty sure I did by now, she probably didn't bother to mention it to anyone, and now that Jasper had Alice and Rose had Emmett, she was left alone.

If I had anything to do with it though, she wouldn't be alone anymore. In the months that had passed since I met her I finally realized that I needed someone like Bella in my life. I found that my entire mood improved a lot when she was around. Even Carlisle and Esme had commented on the way I had changed since Bella came into my life.

I also realized more recently that I didn't want Bella to only be my friend. I wanted more with her. I wanted what Alice had with Jasper; to hold hands while sitting in a dark theater, stealing kisses. I wanted what Emmett had with Rose; to have her run down the steps and leap into my arms when she hadn't seen me all week.

This was the first time I had felt like this about anyone. By all means, I was not fucking innocent when it came to girls, but I had never been with anyone that I actually had feelings for. I wanted Bella, and I just hoped that she felt the same about me.

I parked in front of Bella's childhood home, not bothering with where she lived now. If she was anything like me, she craved familiarity right about now, and I was sure the meadow was where she would be.

I ran through the wooden gate and down the worn path and finally came upon the clearing. Bella was standing in the middle of the area, her fists clenched tightly by her sides. I could see her body shaking as she sobbed.

"Bella," I said quietly as I stepped closer to her. I heard her sigh loudly before trying to catch her breath. After a few seconds she finally spoke.

"What do you want, Edward?" she asked me, not bothering to turn around.

"I just wanted to be with you today," I said as I stepped a little closer to her. I knew that if I could just touch her I could offer her some kind of comfort, the way she did for me when she touched me.

"Why are you here?" she said, her voice rising louder.

"You didn't let me be alone that day and I'm not gonna let you be alone either," I said just as loud. She quickly spun around and her eyes narrowed.

"Why do you give a fuck, Edward?" she practically growled.

"I'm not gonna let you push me away. I know that's what you're trying to do. You aren't like this, Bella. Just let me help you," I said as I finally stood close enough to grab her hand. When I did she immediately snatched her hand back as if I had burned her.

"You're just being nice to me because of Alice," she said and I looked at her in confusion. "She's probably making you."

"Bella..."

"There's no way anyone like you could ever like me. I mean, look at me. I'm a nobody..."

"Bella..."

"You could have anyone in Forks if you wanted. I don't know why I would think that you could actually go for someone like me..." she continued to babble on.

Frustrated with the fact that she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, I grabbed her face between both my hands and pulled her into a kiss. At first, Bella made no move to reciprocate. Just as I was about to pull away and die of embarrassment, I felt her body relax and she sighed as she began to move her mouth with mine.

Her lips were soft against mine as she tilted her head to the side. She opened her mouth slightly for me, allowing me to push my tongue inside. I ran my thumbs along the apple of her cheeks as we continued to kiss. She lifted her hands from her sides and placed them on my chest.

We continued to kiss for a few minutes, but when my hands left her face and began to travel down to her ass, I knew I needed to stop before I managed to scare Bella away. I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers. Her eyes were closed as she licked her lips and smiled slightly.

"What was that for?" she asked. I laughed a little.

"I like you, Bella."

"You like me?"

"Yes."

"You like me, like me?"

"I don't know what 'like me, like me' means, but I'm gonna say yes. I want what our friends have. I want you...to be with me...like that," I said as she opened her eyes and smiled widely.

"I want that too," she whispered.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

After a few more minutes of kissing, Bella and I sat down on the damp grass and made ourselves comfortable. I waited for her to open up and talk to me, but figured I needed to make the move. Just when I was getting ready to ask her, she finally spoke up.

"So, I take it you know what today is?" she asked me quietly.

"Yeah, I figured it out," I told her honestly. No one had told me and I was kinda proud of the fact that I had figured it out for myself. I didn't expect her to tell me the full story today and was surprised when she started talking.

"My dad was a cop and my mom was a kindergarten teacher. The one thing I remember is that they were always so happy. Everyone tells me that I look just like my mom, but have my dad's mannerisms. God, I wish you could have met them," she said, smiling slightly at me as I smiled back at her.

"Anyway, Rose and Jasper lived where they do now, which was right beside us. At ten years old, Rose and I would alternate who's house we would spend the night at on Friday nights. That Friday just happened to be one where we would stay at Rose's. I am so glad Rose wasn't there but..." she said, trailing off. I reached over and grasped her hand in mine.

"Around midnight, some guy that my dad had arrested once for assault and battery broke into our house and killed both my parents. My dad was downstairs and they said he never even woke up. When my mom heard the gunshot, she rushed downstairs and found him, lying in a pool of blood in his favorite recliner. She was found, shot in the back, lying in front of his chair."

"They ended up finding the guy a few days later when he tried to run during a routine traffic stop." I looked over at her as she stopped talking and saw the tears streaming down her face. I held her hand tightly in mine as we sat together quietly. After a few minutes she spoke again.

"You know, sometimes I wish that I hadn't stayed with Rose that night. I would never wish that Rose had been at my house with me, but I wish I had been there. I had a habit of camping out on the living room floor on the weekends. When he walked in, he would have seen me and killed me too. Then I wouldn't be here, all alone, without them," she said before starting to cry again. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her tightly to my side. If I hadn't believed that Bella and I were alike before now, I would definitely believe it now.

"I can't tell you how many times I have wished that my dad killed me when he killed my mom and himself. I hated the fact that he left me here, all alone. But Bella, I don't feel so alone now. I feel like I've finally met someone who knows what I am going through...at least to a certain extent," I confessed.

"I don't want to be alone anymore, Edward," she whispered to me. I turned and lightly kissed her temple.

"Me either, Bella. Me either."


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks as usual go to Juliegirl18, Bella's Executioner, Sariedee and MandyLeigh87. **

**And here we have another look at what Bella is up to in present day...**

**BPOV**

Fighting with the lock on the door again, I finally got the key in and turned it, releasing the latch. I had been begging him to fix the lock or at least talk to the super about it, but of course that was another thing he'd failed to do.

I pushed my way into the apartment and placed the bags I had been holding on the counter. Thankfully one of the other tenants in the building was able to help me bring the bags to my door or I would have been making multiple trips up and downstairs unloading groceries from my car.

I casually glanced around the apartment. It was empty as usual. I don't know why that surprised me. I should have been used to it by now, but I wasn't. Every day I would come home and expect to see him lounging around on the couch playing one of his damn video games or channel surfing, but every day the couch was empty and the television was off.

I emptied all the bags, placing everything in the cabinets where it belonged and the perishable items in the refrigerator. Standing in the open door of the fridge, I decided to make a quick salad.

I pulled the vegetables from the drawer and grabbed the dressing, placing it all on the counter. I methodically began to make my nightly meal.

I shredded the lettuce, just enough for me, and placed it in the small bowl. I sliced up the rest of the vegetables and placed them on top of the lettuce. Grabbing my bowl and a bottle of water, I made my way into the living room.

Flipping through the channels, I finally settled on watching American Idol. I could imagine exactly what _he_ would say about this season of one of our favorite reality shows.

_"There's some real talent on here this year, Bella, but I'll be damned if I don't miss Simon. He was one funny, but truthful fucker."_

After watching a few dreadful performances and a couple of decent ones, I decided it was time to head to bed. I walked into the bathroom, stripping myself along the way, and turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature.

Stepping inside, I let the water run down my body. I turned to let the water run down my face so I couldn't tell whether it was the water or the tears running down my cheeks.

I finished up with my shower and dressed in some comfortable pajamas. Making myself comfortable in the large bed, I reached over to the night stand and grabbed the phone.

"Hey," I said. My heart had begun to beat erratically as it did every night during these few minutes.

"Hello, Bella."

"Anything new?"

"I'm afraid not, Sweetheart."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Goodnight." The line went dead and I hung up the phone. Placing it back on the night stand, I reached over and shut off the lamp.

I settled myself down further in the bed and rested my head on my pillow. Turning on my left side, I faced the empty space beside me. I reached a hand out and placed it on the pillow where _his _head should be resting.

"Goodnight, Edward."


	13. Chapter 13

**Same Disclaimer still applies. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18, Bella's Executioner, Sariedee and MandyLeigh87.**

**EPOV**** (9 years ago)**

The past year had been great. Bella and I were together and going strong. Of course we had our arguments like every other couple did, but we stuck together. We knew what it was like to be alone and we didn't want to go back there.

Bella and Alice had one more year to go in high school. While Jasper and Rose headed off to college, I decided to put it off a year and wait for Bella. Some might call it stupid, but I had just found her and I'd be damned if I let her go so soon.

Esme and Carlisle were fine with my decision. They might have even been proud of me for letting Bella in so much that she affected major decisions in my life. That was definitely a first for me. Usually I did what I wanted to do and didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought, but now I had her to think about. What would she want to do and what would she want me to do?

At first Bella tried to get me to go ahead and go to college. We fought a lot then because I thought that she was trying to push me away because she wanted to be with someone else. Bella told me that she didn't want me to resent her because I was a year behind everyone else my age. I assured her I would never do that. Then I told her the real reason I wanted to wait. I didn't think I could handle the pressures of college on my own and I needed her by my side.

I took a job at the local hardware store. My hours were mostly during the day while Bella was at school. Her old truck finally conked out on her this past summer and I volunteered to take her to and from school, that is if Alice didn't beat me to the punch every day.

Despite Alice being around pretty much all the time lately, Bella and I did find chances to be alone. I actually had Carlisle and Esme to thank for that. On my eighteenth birthday this year, they gifted me with the apartment above our garage. They only had one rule- Bella and I couldn't be alone while there.

Of course, we didn't listen to that. Bella, at first, was adamant about following their rule, but after a few heated make out sessions interrupted by Alice, she was all for ditching her every once in a while.

The first time Bella and I fucked was in the apartment. Bella would have my damn balls if she knew I called it fucking. She preferred the term 'making love' and as corny as it sounds, that was actually what it felt like at the time. Hell, even months later, that's what it felt like every time.

_"Bella, are you sure?" I asked her as I laid her back against the bed. We were both as naked as the day we were born and like an idiot, I chose now to ask. _

_"Yes. Edward please..." she said as I ran my hand down her naked stomach to between her legs. We had fooled around quite a lot in the past few months, but this was the first time we had both been completely naked together. A shirt here, a skirt there was a whole hell of a lot different than being completely bare. _

_I ran my finger along her opening, gathering moisture before circling it lightly around her clit. She arched her back off the bed as she gripped my hair tightly in one hand and moaned in pleasure. Bella was beautiful all the time, but seeing her come was the most beautiful site ever to me. _

_As Bella was coming down, I placed myself between her legs and rubbed the head of my dick around her opening. Her eyes shot open and locked with mine as she brought her bottom lip into her mouth, biting it. She nodded her head slightly before I began to push into her slowly. _

_Weeks ago Bella and I had already discussed the whole birth control thing. She was on the pill and a virgin. I assured her that when I was in the treatment facility they tested me and I was clean. So we decided to forgo the whole condom thing, trusting each other completely. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled with that decision. _

_"You okay?" I asked her as I pushed a little further in. Her eyebrows were scrunched together tightly, like they were when she was thinking about something. She nodded her head quickly, but didn't open her eyes. _

_"I love you," I whispered as I bent down and kissed her forehead gently. Her eyes opened and she smiled at me sweetly. _

_"I love you too," she whispered before kissing me. I pushed into her a little more and felt her body tense up._

_"I don't wanna hurt you," I whispered in her ear. She ran her hands up and down my naked back. _

_"It's okay, baby. You'll never hurt me. I trust you."_

Needless to say, that first time was over pretty damn quick. Thankfully, Bella and I had more time to practice and I must say, Bella really, really liked her practice.

That was the reason I was getting a late start this morning. Bella decided to stay here 'practicing' way past her usual time and I ended up going to bed extremely late. Thankfully I had today off from work and she agreed to get Alice to drive her to school this morning.

I made my way from the bedroom into the kitchen after my shower, wanting to grab something to eat. After quickly making and eating a sandwich, I grabbed the pill bottles off the counter. I took out the required dosage and placed the bottles back on the counter, out in the open. Fisting the pills in my hand, I walked back into the bathroom. I opened my fist over the toilet and let the pills drop in. Flushing the toilet I smiled widely, finally feeling like I was in control of my medical treatments.

Over the past few months I had been feeling great. I came to the decision of stopping my meds a few weeks ago. If anything, I felt better when I didn't take them. I felt like I had more energy and could do pretty much anything I wanted. At night, when I couldn't sleep, I had started working on rebuilding a motorcycle that I bought off one of my new coworkers. After only two weeks I was almost done with it.

I still kept going to my therapy appointments because I didn't want Carlisle to bitch. Even though I was eighteen now, I still didn't want to hear him lecture me on not taking my meds, so I didn't bother telling the therapist. I also kept removing the daily dosage from my pill bottles and flushing them because I had no idea if Esme came in here while I was gone and counted the pills or some shit.

I lit up a cigarette, a habit I had picked up while working at the hardware store, and walked downstairs to the garage to work on my bike. I didn't have much more work to do on it. I knew that once it was done, my bike would be the best fucking bike around. No one would tell me any different and if they tried they'd be full of shit.

I had seen a lot of bikes in my time. A lot of the people I hung around with in Chicago had bikes. Garrett, the guy I bought my bike from, had one. His was awesome, but I was going to make mine better.

I could see Bella on the bike with me. Her arms would be wrapped tightly around my chest, her thighs spread as she slid closer to me. I could grab her and spin her around to face me. Her legs would wrap around me tightly as I rubbed her hot pussy against my hard cock. My hand automatically went down and rubbed my throbbing cock through my jeans, just imagining Bella and me fucking on that bike.

"Edward!" someone yelled from behind me. I turned around and saw it was the object of my fantasies.

"Hey Baby! What are you doing here?" I said as I stood up and went to walk toward her. She didn't look happy to see me though, and I knew I was in for an morning of bitching.

"Where the fuck were you?" she asked me as she threw her book bag down on the concrete floor of the garage.

"Shouldn't you be in school right now? What do you mean, where was I?" I asked her in confusion. She rolled her eyes at me and sighed.

"Edward, its after three. School's over. You were supposed to pick me up today, remember?" she said quietly.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and looked at the time. It was after three. I looked down at the growing pile of cigarette butts in front of me. I didn't remember smoking that many. Where the fuck had the day gone?

"Shit. Baby, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened," I told her, moving to pull her into my arms. She quickly moved away from me though and picked her bag up.

"You say that every time. This is the third time you've forgotten about me in the past couple of weeks, Edward. And your attitude lately has been really shitty. Half the time you act like you love me, and half the time it's like you can't wait to get away from me," she said sadly. I looked at her and had no idea what to say. It was true. I shrugged my shoulders at her and she shook her head.

"You know what? Just forget it. Fuck you, Edward," she said before storming out of the garage and toward the house, probably going to ask Alice for a ride home.

Fuck that shit. I had better crap to do than to deal with her bitching all afternoon. It's not like I left her without a ride. Alice wouldn't leave her at the school. I ran over to the garage door and was able to yell at her before she entered the house.

"No! Fuck you, Bella!" I yelled across the yard. She turned toward me slowly and I saw the tears streaming down her face. She shook her head sadly and walked into the house, forgetting all about me.


	14. Chapter 14

**Same Disclaimer applies, as usual. **

**Thanks to juliegirl18, sariedee, Bella's Executioner and MandyLeigh87. **

**Here's an extra chapter this week. I thought you guys could use it.**

**EPOV**

I called Bella about fifty times within the first hour after she left. I knew I'd screwed up pretty fucking bad when she flipped me the bird out of Alice's car window as they backed out of the driveway. Hell, I knew I'd screwed up when I saw the tears streaming down her face as she stepped in the house.

Two days and probably five hundred calls later, I still hadn't spoken to her. I went over the night after she left, but Mrs. Hale said she had already gone to bed. I walked back to my car and sat there, parked on the side of the street and camped out. I waited as long as I could for her to come out, but when it came time for me to go to work and she still hadn't come out, I left. She'd probably seen me out of her bedroom window and refused to leave.

I had even begged Alice to let me use her cell phone to call her. I figured she was screening her calls and just wouldn't answer for my number. I'd decided that if I called from Alice's phone she would answer and I could talk to her. I didn't even care at this point if I got a word in edgewise. I just felt like I couldn't breathe anymore if I didn't hear her voice.

Alice had refused me though. She was pretty damn pissed at me too. Not for forgetting to pick Bella up, but for what I said to her. In all the months Bella and I had been together, I had never spoken to her like that before. I hated myself for it.

Today I had finally decided I'd had enough. I needed to see her, to talk to her and explain what was going on. I missed her laugh. I missed her smell. Hell, I just missed _her_.

I drove down the street headed to the high school, hoping she wouldn't deny me. Alice had been taking Bella home ever since our argument, so I decided to show up after school and surprise her. I knew Alice had some kind of club meeting after school, which meant Bella would have to wait around for her to get done. I hoped she would come home with me so we could talk and of course, make up.

I parked at the far end of the lot and watched the students trickle out of the buildings. When most of the cars had left, I began to get a little worried. I knew Bella had no idea I was here so she couldn't have been hiding from me. Just when I had decided to get out of the car and go look for her, I saw her walking toward the lot...with a guy.

I ducked down in the seat a little, afraid that she might see me. Of course the fact that she would recognize my car hadn't crossed my mind. I watched her as she walked closely beside him toward some shitty older model car. When they reached the car, she reached her hand up and placed it on his bicep. She said something to him and I saw him smile widely as she tipped her head back and laughed.

He wanted to fuck her. He probably already had fucked her. That's why I hadn't been able to get a hold of her. She hadn't been able to wait a goddamn week before she let some other mother fucker stick his cock in her.

He reached his hand up toward her face and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. Bella reached up and placed her hand over his. Before they could do anything further, I'd gotten out of my car and jogged over to where they were.

"Bella," I said as calmly as I could at the moment. She spun around quickly, the fucker's hand falling from her face. Her eyes grew wide in shock and she knew she'd been caught. There was no way she could explain what the fuck I'd just witnessed.

"Edward. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Well, since I hadn't talked to you in a few days I figured I'd surprise you. Looks like I did just that," I said, eyeballing the prick behind her. He looked nervous as he looked anywhere but at me.

"Well, Riley said that he could take me home," she started, but I interrupted her.

"Get in the car, Bella," I told her, not waiting for an answer before turning and walking away. I could hear her behind me, trying to reassure Riley that she'd be fine with me. Of course she'd be fine with me. I'd never hurt her.

I got in the car, slammed the door, and watched Bella walk slowly toward me. She opened the door and got inside, not speaking a word to me. I sat still for a few minutes, trying to calm my nerves. Matching my current mood, suddenly the skies opened up and it began to pour down rain.

I started the car and sped down the street, taking the back way back to my house. I needed to calm down before I even tried to talk to Bella. I felt like I could snap the steering wheel in half right now. I was gripping it so tightly that my knuckles were white.

"Edward?" Bella questioned quietly. I sighed loudly and pulled over to the side of the road. It was pouring so hard now that I could hardly see so I figured I might as well get it over with. Once I was pulled safely off the road, I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry about what I said the other day. That's why I was calling you the past two days. I wanted to apologize. I know I fucked up and I'm sorry," I told her honestly. She reached over and placed her hand over mine.

"Thank you," she whispered. I hadn't even bothered to open my eyes yet and knew I didn't want to look at her face when I asked her.

"Who was he, Bella?" I asked her calmly. I already had it figured out in my head that he was the current guy she was fucking. I just needed her to say it.

"Riley is just a friend, Edward," she said, squeezing my hand. I opened my eyes and looked over at her.

"Weren't we just friends at first, too?" I asked her, raising an eyebrow. She shook her head and reached up to cup my cheek.

"Yeah, but it's different with you. I don't love him. I love you," she whispered as she leaned across the console and kissed me. I groaned loudly, missing the feel of her lips against mine.

I reached up and gripped her hair tightly in my hand, pulling her closer to me while pushing my tongue inside her mouth. Never breaking our kiss, I slid one hand down her stomach and popped the button on her jeans. Bella pushed my hand away, but continued kissing me.

Not discouraged by her pushing my hand away, I used the same hand to unbutton my jeans. Once I had them open and pulled my dick out of my pants, I reached over to pull her onto my lap. Bella placed her hands on my shoulders and began to push me.

"Edward! Edward stop!" she said once she broke away from me. I continued to try to pull her to my lap, ready to fuck her like I'd wanted to do for the past two days. Frustrated, I finally let her go.

"I'm not gonna fuck you on the side of the damn road, Edward," she said loudly as she buttoned her jeans back up. I looked at her, my eyes narrowed and my breathing heavy. I knew she was fucking him. That had to be it.

"I bet if it was that fucker Riley you'd be all over his dick right now," I growled at her. Her jaw dropped open and she reached to slap me. I caught her wrist in my hand before it made contact with my cheek.

"Don't be ridiculous! You know I'd never cheat on you!" she yelled. I'd just about had enough of her lies.

"Yeah right. You expect me to believe that? I saw the way you were all over each other earlier." She had the nerve to laugh at me when I said that.

"You are so fucking crazy!" she yelled. She knew that I hated it when anyone called me crazy, but she went ahead and did it anyway. I'd finally had enough of her for today.

"Get out," I told her calmly, pointing at the passenger door. She didn't move to get out, only stared at me.

"Get out, Bella," I said a little louder this time.

"Edward, you can't be serious," she stuttered out. I looked at her, letting the anger show on my face.

"I am completely serious. Get out of my car, Bella." Her eyes filled with tears, but I had no pity for her at this moment. She had successfully pissed me off.

"You can't kick me out! It's pouring down rain! We're miles from home! I don't even have my phone on me, Edward!" she yelled at me. I gripped the steering wheel tightly in my hands as she sat next to me and cried.

"I said get the fuck out!" I yelled at her, finally fed up with her bullshit. I saw her flinch back as my loud voice filled the interior of the car. She quickly gathered her things and opened the door, stepping out into the pouring rain. She looked at me one last time before slamming the door behind her.

I put the car back into gear and slammed my foot to the gas, spinning my wheels and leaving her stranded on the side of the road. I didn't even look in my rear view mirror once, knowing that if I did, I would see her standing on the side of the road, soaking wet with tears running down her face.

That was something I didn't really need or want to see.


	15. Chapter 15

**Same Disclaimer applies...I own nothing. **

**Thanks to juliegirl18 for beta'ing for me. She works her butt off at work all week and still has time to fix my mistakes. ILY girl! **

**Thanks to sariedee for prereading for me and assuring me that I am doing the right thing with my writing. She's known my vision the whole time and has made me stick to my guns.**

**Thanks to Bella's Executioner for prereading. I am quite a few chapters ahead in writing and she told me that I forced her listen to a certain BSB song on repeat the other day after she preread a chapter for me. So, you've got that to look forward to, LOL.**

**EPOV**

I drove down the deserted road through the pouring rain entirely too fast. The steering wheel was gripped in my hands so tight that my knuckles were as white as snow. My foot was pushing the gas pedal further toward the floorboard as I watched the trees fly by out of the window.

I had no idea how long I had been driving or how far I'd gone. My mind wasn't on the road in front of me. I was constantly repeating our conversation over and over in my head.

_What the fuck had I just done?_

_Did I just try to fuck Bella on the side of the road?_

_Did I just accuse Bella of cheating on me?_

_Did I just leave her on the side of the road in the pouring rain?_

I moved my foot from the gas pedal and slammed down on the brakes. Gripping the wheel, I tried to maintain control of the car as it skidded to a stop sideways on the road.

I turned around quickly and made my way back to where I left my girlfriend on the side of the road...in the pouring rain.

What the fuck was wrong with me? What kind of person leaves the girl they supposedly love on the side of the road without a way home? How was I ever gonna get her to forgive me? She was gonna leave me for sure. I was gonna be all alone again. I didn't want to be alone again; I couldn't handle being alone again.

I came up on the abandoned barn that I remembered seeing when I left Bella and slowed down. She wasn't there. Where had she gone? What happened to her? Why did I leave her?

I pulled the car to the side of the road and jumped out, running over to where I left her standing. I stood there on the side of the road, rain pouring down on me and screamed her name over and over.

"Bella!" I screamed, my hands gripping my wet hair tightly.

"Bella!" I screamed again as I fell to my knees, the mud soaking quickly through my already soaked jeans.

I didn't know how long I knelt on the side of the road, but the rain hadn't let up a bit. I slowly stood up and made my way over to my car.

I looked around again, hoping I had just missed her the first time. Where the fuck was she? I needed to find her. I needed to make sure she was okay. I needed her to believe how fucking sorry I was.

"Goddammit!" I screamed as I punched the windshield of my car. I pulled my fist back and looked at the blood as it trickled down my knuckles. The pain in my knuckles felt nothing like the pain I felt when I thought about a life without Bella.

I got back in the car and decided the first place I needed to check was her house. I don't know how she could have gotten there so fast, but that was probably where she was at.

_How did she get there?_

_Did someone pick her up?_

_Who picked her up?_

_What if they hurt her?_

As the unwanted thoughts ran through my head, I raced down the road headed to her house. I just needed her to talk to me. I sped down her quiet street and pulled up just in time to see her getting out of Riley's car.

_It had to be him, didn't it?_

_What did he have that I didn't?_

_She fucking called him, didn't she?_

No, she didn't call him. She said herself that she didn't have her phone on her. I needed to calm down before I walked over to her. I needed her to listen to me. As he drove away, I opened my door and got out, quickly walking over to her.

"Bella!" I yelled. I saw her body physically stiffen when she heard my voice. She stood only a few feet away from me, but I'd never felt further away from her than I did in that moment. She stood frigidly, her back facing me as the rain fell hard all around us. I wanted to run to her and pull her in my arms and beg her to believe how sorry I was.

"What are you doing here?" she asked me, not bothering to turn around and face me. I could hear her voice shaking with emotion.

"I need to talk to you," I told her, stepping closer to her. She spun around quickly to face me, her face showing an emotion I'd never seen aimed at me.

"No, you don't get to talk to me anymore. Never. Never again," she gritted out. I felt the air sucked from around me as I fought to breathe. She couldn't leave me. I couldn't handle it.

"Bella, please! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!" I yelled over the thunder that had begun booming around us.

"Sorry doesn't help Edward! You left me on the side of the road in the pouring rain! I had no way to call anyone. Thankfully Riley thought to follow us out of the parking lot. He said he was worried about me. Thank God someone was!" I flinched back when she said his name, but knew that I should probably be thankful that he picked her up. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of her out there alone in this storm.

"Baby, please believe me. I'm so sorry. You have to believe me!"

"No, Edward. I no longer have to do anything for you. We're finished," she said before turning around and walking toward the house. I couldn't breathe. I ran toward her and fell on my knees, wrapping my arms around her legs.

"Bella, please. I'm sorry," I kept chanting over and over. She struggled a bit, but finally got out of my hold.

"Bella!" I screamed as my head dropped to the ground in front of me. I fisted my hands tightly in the mud surrounding me, the dirt mixing quickly with the blood still pouring from my knuckles.

"Bella!" I screamed as I thought about living my life without her. I didn't want to live in a world where I wasn't with her.

"Bella!" I screamed as I finally let the tears I had been holding back fall from my face. I heard her as she approached me. Her shoes came into my line of sight as she stood quietly by me.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? What did you do?" she asked me quietly.

"Bella, something's wrong with me. I don't feel right. Something's not right. I don't feel good," I mumbled to her.

"Baby, what did you do?" she asked me as she knelt down beside me. I looked into her eyes as the tears fell down her face.

"I stopped taking them. I just felt so good being with you, so I stopped. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be better," I told her. She stood up quickly and ran inside the house. She walked back out onto the porch and shielded herself from the rain as she put the phone to her ear. I tried not to listen, but caught bits and pieces of the conversation.

"He's here...don't know what's wrong...say's he stopped...Carlisle, I don't know..." she spoke quietly. With that one name, I knew what would happen. I couldn't go back there. I wouldn't.

I stood up quickly and looked over at her. Her eyes grew wide as she saw me backing up toward my car. I turned around and ran quickly, not knowing how close he already was to arriving.

"Edward, wait! No! Edward, don't leave!" I heard her yell before I slammed the door and sped off.


	16. Chapter 16

**Same Disclaimer...I own nothing. **

**Thanks to all the usual people. I couldn't do this without them. **

**And to let everyone know, I officially finished the last chapter of this story last night. So, you don't have to worry about me not finishing it. It's done already, just needs to be beta'd and posted. **

**EPOV**

I laid on the couch, my eyes drooping lazily as I watched the ceiling fan spin round and round. The air around me was thick and smoky, and to be honest, something around me smelled. It could possibly have been me.

I had no idea how long I'd been here. When I left Bella's yesterday...the day before...last week... I had no idea where I was going. I just knew that I needed to get away from there fast. I didn't need Carlisle seeing me the way I was and I knew that was exactly who she was on the phone with when I ran off.

I drove until I reached Garrett's house. I worked with him at the local hardware store and I knew that no one in my life knew about him or where he lived. Neither Carlisle nor Bella would be able to find me here. I'd be safe until I could straighten myself out.

As soon as I stepped inside Garrett's house he could tell something was up with me. I told him that I needed somewhere to stay for a while and he graciously offered me the couch, along with all the alcohol and weed I could stomach. While I had dabbled in the heavier drugs while in Chicago, I knew that I definitely didn't want to go back down that road again, so I stuck with weed and liquor.

From somewhere in the room I heard my phone go off. I groaned as I sat up slowly, my body sore from being in the same position for God knows how long.

"You gonna get that?" I heard Garrett say from the chair in the corner. I stood up from the couch and stretched, scratching my naked torso and wondering where the hell my shirt was.

"Hell no," I told him. My phone had been constantly ringing or beeping as texts came through. All of them were either from Carlisle and Esme or Bella. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to Bella. I just had no clue what to say to her.

_"I'm sorry I accused you of cheating on me."_

_"I'm sorry I kicked you out of my car in the pouring rain."_

For some reason I didn't see that going over too well. And I knew what Carlisle wanted. He wanted to take me to some fucking treatment facility where they could 'fix' me.

I slowly made my way toward the bathroom down the hall, stepping over half full liquor bottles and crushed beer cans. I had no idea how Garrett lived like this all the time, but I knew I needed to leave soon.

I shut the door to the bathroom behind me and pissed like I hadn't done it for days. When I had finished washing my hands, I looked up and saw my reflection in the mirror. I had dark purple bags on the skin under my eyes and they were bloodshot. I was sure that it had been only a few days at the most, but it actually looked like I'd lost weight. Of course, since stopping the meds I hadn't been really eating much or taking care of myself.

I bent over and splashed some water on my face before walking out the door and into the hallway. When I sat down on the couch to let Garrett know I was going to head out, I suddenly felt a hand slide up my thigh.

I jumped back and eyed the girl next to me. She had blonde hair and was wearing a very familiar shirt. As a matter of fact, the only thing it looked like she was wearing was said shirt.

"Hey you," she said as she leaned toward me. I slid further over to the arm of the couch, letting her hand fall from my thigh. I furiously fan my hands through my hair, trying to figure out just what the fuck had happened.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I said, slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand. I closed my eyes and tried to remember anything about the previous night.

_I slouched back on the couch and took another gulp of the liquor from the bottle in my hand. I welcomed the burn as it coated my throat. _

_Garrett had just walked back to his bedroom with some girl he invited over. She came with a friend. I had no idea where that girl disappeared to. I just knew that I was alone in here, sitting on the couch, drowning my sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol. _

_I took another gulp of liquor and threw my head back on the couch, closing my eyes. I suddenly heard footsteps coming into the room. I opened my eyes and lifted my head to see who had entered. _

_"Hey there," she said as she walked toward me...completely naked. I groaned loudly and threw my hand over my eyes. Bella and I might have been arguing or whatever, but there was no way in hell I was gonna get blamed for this shit. I'd never cheat on her, that much I knew. _

_I reached over to the side of the couch and grabbed the shirt I had discarded earlier and threw it at the girl. _

_"Put this on and leave me the fuck alone," I told her as I stood up and walked out to the front porch._

"Thank God," I muttered to myself. I knew that I would never cheat on Bella, but who knows what they'll do when they're drunk and high off their ass.

"What's wrong? You didn't think you'd actually fucked her did you?" Garrett asked me, laughing. I turned to him and shrugged my shoulders as the girl walked out of the room, probably to find her friend.

"Nah, man. I knew you'd never forgive yourself if something like that happened, so I made her leave you alone. You don't need any more shit piling up on you," he said as he stood up. The two girls had come into the living room ready to leave and he walked them to the door.

While he was outside, I grabbed a clean shirt from Garrett's closet and took a quick shower. I knew that something like last night was bound to happen again if I stayed here, so I needed to leave.

"Where ya' headed?" Garrett asked me as I headed back into the living room.

"I guess I'm gonna go into work. I'm pretty sure I'm scheduled to work today. At least I think I am," I told him, laughing a bit. Honestly, I had no idea if I was supposed to work today or not. Hell, I had no idea what today even was.

"Ummm, yeah, about that," he said as he ran his hand nervously through his hair. "You got fired yesterday. You hadn't been in for a few days and they just told me to tell you not to come back."

"Fuck!" I should have known this shit would happen. I'd probably never be able to find another job. I had a hard enough time finding that one. No one really wanted to hire a high school graduate with absolutely no experience and no further education.

"And your dad stopped by the store too. He wanted to know if anyone had seen you. They told him that you'd been staying with me," he said apologetically. I groaned and wanted to slam my head against the wall over and over. This was exactly what I needed. Carlisle would probably arrive at any moment and whisk me off to somewhere I never wanted to be again.

But I knew that even though I never wanted to go back there, I needed help. I couldn't live like this anymore. It was a big mistake stopping those pills before I was ready. I shouldn't have quit cold fucking turkey. I should have weaned myself off them gradually. I knew better though. Next time, I'd get it right.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and I could almost bet who it was behind it. Garrett walked over to the door and opened it, allowing whoever it was to step inside.

"I'm just gonna head in to work and let you guys talk," he said as Carlisle walked around the corner. "Just make sure you lock up before you leave."

We stood awkwardly together in the room for a few minutes, neither one of us speaking. I finally spoke the only words I knew to say, but knowing full and well they would probably mean nothing right now.

"I'm sorry."


	17. Chapter 17

**Same Disclaimer. Thanks to the usual suspects. This story wouldn't be half of what it is if it weren't for them. Thanks again guys. ILY.**

**EPOV**

I hated this place.

I really hated this place.

I fucking hated this place with the fire of a thousand suns.

I know, very dramatic of me, but it was the truth. I knew I was here for a good reason. I needed help, and I freely admitted that to Carlisle when he picked me up that day at Garrett's house. I admitted to him that I had stopped taking my meds and that I had been drinking heavily and getting high. The look he gave me was one I would never forget. He looked so disappointed in me as he closed his eyes and sighed loudly.

But just because I was here voluntarily didn't mean I couldn't hate it, because believe me, I did. I couldn't stand having someone tell me when to wake up, which by the way was six o'clock in the morning every single fucking day. We didn't get to sleep in on the weekends or when we had trouble falling asleep the night before, which tended to happen a lot due to the screamers that resided here.

I definitely didn't like being told I could have only this or that to eat for the day. What if I wanted something else? What if I wanted to call in some Chinese food or a pizza? The food was shitty enough as it was, but not giving me a choice in the matter sucked even worse.

I didn't like someone passing out medicine to me in little plastic cups and standing over me like a hawk to make sure I took it. I knew some people in here are here due to suicide attempts, but believe me, I'm not that fucked up. I just wanted a little privacy sometimes and that definitely wasn't happening here.

Most of all I fucking hated that I couldn't talk to Bella any time I wanted to. I missed being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. I missed being able to tell her I loved her every night before she fell asleep. I just missed her period.

She'd only been to see me one time and while I loved seeing her, I hated the way she looked at me. I could see the pity written all over her face. I knew I had fucked up in a major way, but I hated seeing the disappointment on her face and I hated her seeing me here, surrounded by all these crazy people.

I actually made Carlisle promise me the last time he was here that he wouldn't bring her back. I explained to him that I didn't want her here, surrounded by all this, even if it was for only a short hour on Sundays. He finally consented and told me that he would make something up about only family being allowed because she would sure as hell put up a damn fight.

I walked down the stale, white hallway headed toward the common room where we gathered for weekly family visits. Another thing I hated was that we weren't trusted enough to meet with our family in our own rooms. We had to do it out in the open with everyone around.

I spotted Carlisle sitting at a small table in the corner and swiftly made my way over to him. He stood when he saw me approaching and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Good to see you, son," he said as we both sat down. He pushed a small container toward me and I lifted the lid and smiled widely. It was Bella's chocolate chip cookies.

"How'd she take it?" I asked him as I took a bite of one of the cookies.

"She was pretty upset at first, but I told her that they were only allowing family to visit you for now. I didn't tell her that she could never visit you because I am hoping you'll change your mind about that part," he said as he looked at me sadly.

"I'm not gonna change my mind," I said, harshly. "I don't want her here around this shit. It's not that I don't want to see her, it's just that I hate for her to see me like this. I wanna get better before I see her again." After a few minutes of silence, Carlisle finally spoke again.

"How are you sleeping at night?" he asked me. The last time Carlisle was here I told him I couldn't sleep because of all the people screaming during the night. Really, I couldn't sleep because the nightmares were back.

Every night when I fell asleep, I found myself back in my old house in Chicago. I sat on the floor with blood covering my hands. My mother laid beside me and my father across from me, both with gunshot wounds to the head. I would scream and scream, but no one could hear me. When I wake up in the mornings my voice is hoarse. I had a feeling that I was one of the screamers.

"It's getting better," I said, lying to him. I knew that if I didn't lie to him, he'd go back home and tell Esme, and then I'd have yet another person worrying about me.

We shared the bowl of cookies and talked a little more about nothing of importance. All too soon the hour was up and Carlisle hugged me again promising me that Esme would see me next week. Since only one visitor at a time was allowed, another stupid rule of this place, they decided they would trade off weeks.

"Can you just tell her I love her, please?" I told him before he walked away. I didn't need to explain to him who I meant. I'd had this request every single time before he left. I knew I didn't need to remind him, but I still did it anyway. He nodded sadly at me and gave me one final hug before leaving me here, all alone again.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

I sat up in the middle of the small twin bed, sweat drenching my entire body. I tried to calm my breathing as I focused on my surroundings. I wasn't there. They weren't here.

I'd had the dream again. Every night it always ended the same way. I would be sitting on the floor screaming my head off for someone to help me, but no one would come. I had no idea if this was some sort of repressed memory or what. I didn't remember screaming or anything, but I was only ten years old.

I laid back down on the bed and tried to fall asleep again. After tossing and turning for a few minutes, I realized it was useless. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed.

I needed Bella.


	18. Chapter 18

**Same Disclaimer.**

**Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. **

**Today we have another look at what Bella is up to...**

**BPOV**

I walked into the apartment, the lock working the first time, surprisingly. Today had turned out to be a very good day. I'd gotten up early enough this morning so that I had time to run by the coffee shop and grab a green tea latte. I had only cried once, and for the first time in a long time they were happy tears. Everything had been going good lately and I didn't have much to complain about.

I smiled as I walked across the floor and sat my purse on the kitchen table. I hadn't stopped smiling for hours. I pulled the small piece of paper out of my purse and smoothed it out on the counter. I ran my finger across the image and smiled again.

Walking over to the refrigerator, I put the paper against the surface and affixed it with a small magnet. I knew that if I stuck it there, it would be the first thing he would see. I wanted it to be the first thing he would see.

I opened up the freezer and pulled out a small carton of ice cream. After grabbing a spoon, I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I really didn't see the need to put the ice cream in a bowl. It was all mine, and I figured I'd end up eating what was left in one sitting anyway.

After finishing my ice cream, I grabbed my journal from the coffee table and began to write about what happened today. Over the past couple of weeks, I'd begun to record pretty much anything that happened in my life. I didn't want him to miss anything. He needed to know.

Some might call me stupid for even wanting him to come back, but I couldn't help it. We'd been through so much together and we would get through this too. I loved him and I always would.

I finished up my entry and closed the book, placing it back on the table. I grabbed the other paper I had taken from my purse and held it in my hand as I made myself comfortable on the couch. I covered myself with the throw from the back of the couch and laid down, closing my eyes. I held the paper to my chest, over my heart, and began to hum.

Everything would be alright. Everything would be just fine. It had to be.


	19. Chapter 19

**Same Disclaimer. **

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders. **

**Back to Edward now...**

**5 years ago**

**EPOV**

Everyone always said that absence made the heart grow fonder. After being apart from Bella for months while I was in the treatment facility, I had to agree with that sentiment. I had thought I was in love with her back in high school, but clearly, I knew nothing.

When I was released, it was definitely rough on both of us for a while. But I had never been more in love with her than the day I walked out of that dull, boring building and saw her standing there by Carlisle. It was like she was glowing. Everything in that damned building had been dull and lifeless, and seeing her again brought the color and life back into me. Corny, yes, but absolutely true.

I could still remember how desperate her voice was during our first conversation alone after I got home.

_We walked hand in hand up to my room. Carlilse and Esme said that we had time before dinner was ready and I wanted to spend a little alone time with my girl. I hadn't been alone with her for months. _

_We stepped inside my room and I shut the door behind us. Bella stood in front of me, her back facing me. I walked toward her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She spun around to me and tears were falling down her face. _

_"You can't do that. You can't do that to me ever again. I can't be away from you like that. You can't leave me. You can't leave me all alone," she said as her body began to tremble. I knew that what I'd done had affected Bella deeply, but to see it with my own eyes was heartbreaking. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I reached my hands up and gripped her face between them. _

_"Never again," I told her as she closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. I ran my thumbs under her eyes and captured the falling tears. _

_"Never again, baby," I said as I leaned my head forward and rested my forehead against hers. I kept whispering to her over and over how sorry I was. She finally opened her eyes and looked into mine. _

_"I can't survive without you," she whispered to me. I bent my head down and kissed her gently. _

_"You won't have to," I said before pulling her face to mine and kissing her more passionately. I felt her hands run along my shoulders before she ran them through my hair and gripped it tightly in her fists. _

_"God, I've missed you so much," I said as I pulled away from her mouth and began to kiss along her neck. She tilted her head to the side to allow me better access and I smiled. I ran my hands down her back and placed them on her ass, lifting her. She wrapped her legs around me as I walked us over to my bed. I laid her down gently and removed the shoes from her feet as I toed mine off as well. _

_"Edward, your parents are right downstairs," she said, not even bothering to act like she wanted me to stop. I reached a hand behind my back and pulled my shirt off before quickly working on my pants and boxers. _

_She sighed and began pulling her clothing off right along with me. I smiled widely at her as she laid naked before me on my bed. _

_"We have to be quick," she whispered as I crept up over her body. I laughed a little and she eyed me suspiciously. _

_"Oh don't worry. I'm sure it's gonna be over pretty damn quick. It has been a while, ya' know?" She blushed slightly and I couldn't help but run the back of my knuckles over the pink skin. I ran my other hand down her body until I came to her pussy. She was already so wet for me and my fingers entered her easily. _

_"I've missed you so much, baby," she said as more tears filled her eyes and fell down her cheeks. I removed my hands from her heat and lined myself up with her center. _

_"Don't worry, baby. I'm here now, and I'll never leave you again," I said before I thrust deeply inside her. Once I was surrounded all the way by her, I had to remain still, scared that I would blow my load before I even moved again. _

_"Fuck. You feel so goddamn good," I moaned as I pulled out of her and pushed my cock into her again. _

_"Oh God, Edward," she moaned as her nails ran down my back. I could feel the sting as she broke the skin, but didn't give a fuck. She could mark me as hers all she wanted because it was true._

_I continued to thrust deeply into her until I felt the tingling in my balls signaling I was about to be finished. I placed my hand between us and began to rub tight circles around her clit. _

_"You gotta come for me, baby. I'm not gonna last much longer," I told her as she opened her eyes and looked straight at me. I continued to rub her as neither of us broke our connection. _

_Finally, I felt her pussy clamp down around me as her mouth opened in a silent scream. I thrust a couple more times before I held my cock deeply inside her as I came hard. _

_My body gave out as I fell forward, careful to not fall on top of her. She turned over and placed her head on my chest and kissed me gently over my heart. _

_"I love you," she said quietly. _

_"I love you too," I whispered. _

Since that day, Bella and I hadn't been apart for long at all. Neither one of us could handle it. Bella went to her classes during the day and worked at a part time job on the days she had free. She'd decided that she wanted to be an elementary teacher just like her mother.

I decided against actually attending college and chose to just take a few classes on line. I didn't think I could handle the pressure of an actual college campus. Call me a pussy, but I didn't want to put myself at risk for a relapse with the drugs and alcohol.

When I wasn't doing course work, I was writing. I had found that writing was actually something I really enjoyed doing. Over the years I'd even had a few freelance magazine articles published. While it wasn't a full fledged writing career, it was a start.

To make a more steady income without the worry of my medical history coming in to play, I alternated between helping Carlisle out at his office or helping Esme make deliveries. It wasn't a career that I could be proud of, but it helped Bella out. She didn't have to be worried about working two jobs after taking classes all day. She could concentrate on making good grades and getting her teaching degree.

I decided to shut down my laptop when I heard her keys in the door. Bella and I had moved into our own apartment a couple of years ago. Carlisle and Esme had offered to help us out, but it was something we wanted to do on our own. She walked inside the apartment with her arms full of grocery bags. I rushed over to help her as she shut the door behind her.

"What's all this?" I asked her as I took a few bags from her arms. She huffed a little as she began to put the things away. I had a feeling I should probably know the answer to this one, but at the moment my mind was blank.

"I told you the other day, Edward. Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper are all coming over for dinner tonight," she said as she turned around to face me.

"Oh, okay," I said, leaning over to kiss her quickly. She eyed me suspiciously before frowning slightly.

"That's okay, right?" she asked me. She knew me well enough to know that I was uncomfortable around them at times, but I also knew her well enough to know that this would make her happy. I loved my family to death, but I hated when they came around. I felt like I was never good enough around them. But if it would make Bella happy to entertain them in our home, then that was something I would do for her. Hell, I'd do anything for her.

"It's fine, baby. Anything I can do to help?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Same disclaimer as usual...I own nothing. **

**Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. This story wouldn't be what it is without you guys. **

Bella and I worked together in the kitchen as she fixed her lasagna. She said it was a recipe that Mrs. Hale had told her that her mother loved to make. She did most of the cooking, and I pretty much just kept her company while she ordered me to grab whatever she needed at the moment.

Almost as soon as Bella had dinner out of the oven, there was a knock at the door. Bella finished making the salad while I finished setting the table before walking over to answer the door.

"Hey man. What's up?" Emmett asked as he walked inside. We tried to talk at least once a week, but sometimes it was hard to catch one another. Rose walked in behind him and leaned over to hug me in greeting.

"Not much," I said as Jasper walked in, followed by Alice. I was glad that they had stuck together. Alice might be a little spitfire, but even she needs someone to watch her back sometimes.

"Miss you," Alice whispered in my ear as she hugged me tightly. Alice was the one family member that I didn't really need to try and keep in touch with. She had a way of knowing when I needed to talk to her and when I needed her to back off. We had grown close over the past few years.

Bella came out of the kitchen as everyone was going into the living room. She practically threw herself into my sister's arms. They didn't get to see each other as much as they used to now that Alice and Jasper were living in Los Angeles. Alice was interning with some high society fashion designer while Jasper was working on his music.

"Oh my God!" I heard Bella scream and turned around quickly to see what the fuck was going on. I would have to have been blind to have not seen the rock that was now resting on my sister's left hand.

"I know! I've known all week and been dying to tell you, but she made me promise," Rose said as she joined the girls. They all laughed and hugged as they admired the diamond.

"Come on and help me plate the food. You can tell me all about how he proposed," Bella said as she dragged my sister and Rose into the kitchen with her. Emmett and Jasper walked closer to me as the girls exited the room.

"Congratulations man. I'm happy for ya. I guess Bella and I are next," I told him, laughing a bit as I gave him a quick hug. Rose and Emmett had already been married for a year. I figured that Jasper and Alice would be next. Emmett and Jasper eyed me closely.

"Are you really?" Emmett asked me. I frowned a bit and wondered where he was headed with the question.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I guess," I told them as I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. It was true. I did want to marry Bella. I wanted her to be my wife. It was just that sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve her. I didn't think I was good enough for her, nor would I ever be enough for her.

"It's just that you guys have been together for a while. I just figured it would have happened by now is all," Emmett said as he clapped me on the back and went in search of food. Jasper shrugged his shoulders and walked behind Emmett.

_What the fuck? What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

I spent the entire meal lost in my thoughts. I kept repeating what Emmett had said to me and that casual shoulder shrug of Jasper's. Did everyone expect me to have already proposed to Bella by now? Did _Bella _expect me to have already proposed by now? Should I have already proposed by now?

By the time dinner was over, I was a sweating nervous mess. I was breathing heavily and lightheaded. I had spent the entire meal conjuring up horrible images in my mind, mostly of Bella leaving me because she had decided I wasn't serious enough about her.

Emmett and Jasper had both gone into the living room to watch some television while the girls helped Bella clean the kitchen. I was left alone, as always, sitting at the table. After I calmed down and told myself that I was crazy for ever thinking Bella would do something like leave me for that reason, I walked toward the kitchen to check on her.

As I got closer, I could hear the girls all talking quietly. They rarely had the chance to catch up alone, so they were definitely taking the opportunity to do so now. I should have done the right thing and walked away to give them their privacy, but when had I ever done the right thing?

"So, how have you guys been doing?" I heard Rose ask. I heard Bella sigh like she always did when she was frustrated by something. It was funny how I could tell how she was feeling without even actually seeing her.

"We're fine, Rose. _He's _fine," Bella told her. I should have known what Rose was really asking. She'd been against me for quite a while after the stunt I had pulled before going into treatment. I thought I had finally won her over, but maybe I hadn't at all. I creeped up a little further so that I could actually see the girls as they talked.

"But how are _you_ doing, sweetie?" Alice asked her as she touch Bella's shoulder. Now was one of the times I needed Alice to back off, but she clearly wasn't sensing that at the moment. I could see the tension in Bella's body as she fought to not snap at her friends.

"I said I was fine," Bella told them both as she turned back around toward the sink. I knew she was lying. She was fidgeting with the kitchen towel and when Bella was fidgeting, she was lying. After a few seconds of quiet, Rose finally asked what she really wanted to ask her the entire time.

"So why hasn't be proposed yet?" she asked Bella. My sister gave Rose a harsh look and I heard Bella gasp slightly. I didn't think either Rose or Alice had caught that though. She turned around and faced them as she spoke. I could see the fierce determination in her eyes. I didn't know whether she was trying to make them believe what she was saying or trying to convince herself.

"I know that he loves me. I don't need some damn diamond on my finger to prove that. We're just not there yet," she said before turning back around to face the sink. Realizing they had overstepped and wouldn't get her to open up anymore, Rose and Alice walked out the door on the opposite side of the room and headed toward the living room.

I stood quietly in the hallway and watched my girl. Bella's hands gripped the side of the sink so harshly that her knuckles were turning white. I looked up from her hands to the back of her head. She dropped her chin down to her chest and her whole form began to shake. She tried to hide the sob that fought to escape her mouth, but I heard it.

She was crying.

No.

She was sobbing.

I'd hurt her, yet again.

Would there ever be a time in our lives when I didn't hurt her?

We were actually in a good place right now, but I still made her cry.

I fought back the urge to walk into the room and pull her into my arms and beg for her forgiveness, but I knew that wasn't what she needed right now. What she needed was for me to grow the fuck up. I needed to get over my goddamn issues and move on.

I just needed to figure out exactly how to go about doing that.


	21. Chapter 21

**Same Disclaimer as usual. **

**Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. This story wouldn't be what it is without you girls. ILY.**

**I am so, so sorry for the wait on this one. My internet is screwed up at home and all I have is my phone so I wasn't able to load this chapter. I am sitting here in McDonald's right now, hijacking their free wifi while my kids munch on McNuggets. **

I couldn't believe I was so nervous. My hands were sweating and my stomach was in knots. I didn't think I had ever been this damn shaky, even when I was younger and was headed to my first therapy appointment. I had thrown up outside in the parking lot that day before going inside. Just five minutes ago, my head was in the toilet as I threw up the lunch I forced myself to eat.

I stood in front of the mirror in our bathroom trying to do something with the mess on my head. It was being fucking uncooperative, so I just ran my hands through it and left it in it's usual disarray. Bella always said she liked my 'sex hair,' so hopefully it would be okay.

I had dropped Bella off earlier at Mrs. Hale's so that she could spend some time with her. In reality, I just needed her out of the house. If she was around, I'd be tempted to just skip everything I had planned. But I knew she deserved something special because she was special.

Since that night in the kitchen a couple of weeks ago, I'd ran my brain ragged about what to do. I knew she said that she knew I loved her, but I needed to show her. I was an idiot, so it didn't hit me about just what I needed to do until a few days ago while I was lying in bed. When it hit me, I sat straight up and could have slapped myself.

I knew from that moment on that I needed to propose to Bella. I talked to everyone to get ideas. Jasper and Emmett both had stupid ideas that involved sporting events and flashing lights. I knew Bella wouldn't want something like that. Rose and Alice's ideas involved fancy restaurants and limos. While Bella deserved fine dining and limos, I knew that it wasn't something she would care for.

I even talked to Esme and Carlisle about it. They were the ones that gave me the best advice. They told me that I didn't really need to do anything out of the ordinary, that I just needed to show her how much I loved her in my own special way. I needed to show her something that was special to us. That was when my idea began.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the basket full of food and the blanket Esme had given me. I'd looked up the weather earlier in the day and it looked like it would be a nice day, no rain in sight. I walked out of the apartment and to the car to go pick up my girl.

The drive over to Mrs. Hale's place gave me a little time to calm my nerves. I wasn't really afraid that she would say no. I just knew that I didn't want to fuck anything up for her. This would be a day that we would remember for the rest of our lives, and I wanted it to be a good memory.

I walked up the short walkway to the front door and sat the basket and blanket on the steps before ringing the bell. After a few seconds, Bella opened the door with a wide smile on her face. She was wearing a light yellow sun dress and a pair of flip flops. I made sure when she left this morning that she had on something she would be comfortable in and not too hot outside.

"What are you up to, mister?" she asked with a playful smirk. I shrugged my shoulders and held my arm out for her to take it. She sighed and stuck her arm through mine as we walked down the steps. I leaned over and grabbed the basket and led her over to her old house.

"Where are we going?" she asked me as we walked through the wooden fence and into the back yard. I looked over at her and smiled slightly.

"It's a surprise," I whispered. She laughed a little and squeezed my hand tightly. After a few seconds we were in the meadow. I let her hand go and spread out the blanket, putting the basket on top.

"A picnic?" she asked as we sat down beside each other. I had begun to pull some things out of the basket, but paused when she asked that. I immediately began to wonder if my whole idea was stupid or juvenile.

"Yeah, why? Is that stupid? Do you hate it?" I blurted out. She ran her hand along my arm before reaching in to help me empty the basket.

"No, it's good. I love it," she said. I looked at her glowing face and knew she was telling me the truth. I leaned over and kissed her sweetly before moving the basket off to the side.

We took turns feeding each other the fruit and cheeses that I had packed in the basket. I didn't know how to make too many things. I could have asked Esme to make me something, but this was something I wanted to do on my own.

After a few minutes of peaceful silence, I decided it was time. I was either going to be the happiest man alive or embarrass the hell out of myself. I cleared my throat and Bella turned to look at me in question.

"You okay?" she asked me. I nodded my head, although I was unable to say anything. It felt like my throat was closing up. I was gonna fuck this up so bad. I stuck my hand in my pocket and gripped the velvet box in my hand.

_It's okay. I can do this. All I gotta do is ask her, right? Just get down on one knee and... Shit! I'm supposed to be down on one knee. How can I do that if we're fucking sitting down?_

"Stand up," I told Bella as I stood up and practically pulled her arm out of socket. She looked at me questioningly, but stood up anyway. I smiled at her awkwardly and she cocked her head to the side slightly.

I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the little black box. I heard Bella gasp as I slowly lowered myself to one knee.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I think I'd be lying if I said I loved you from the first moment I saw you," I told her honestly. She laughed a little even though she had tears in her eyes.

"To be honest, you scared the hell outta me. I'd never had anyone be able to read me so easily before in my life. But I _can _say that the day I met you was the best day of my life. So, I'm asking you Bella. Can you make the day I met you number two on the list? Can you make the day I make you my wife the best day of my life? Will you marry me?" I slowly opened the small black box and looked into her eyes. Her face was streaked with tears, but she was smiling widely. She began to nod her head, but had yet to say anything.

"Yes!" she suddenly screamed out. I took the ring from the box and slid it on her finger as she pulled me up from my knee and kissed me passionately. I hugged her to me tightly as we continued to kiss.

Needing to break for air, I removed my mouth from hers and began to kiss along her neck and jaw line. She moaned as I bit at the tender skin of her earlobe. She ran her hands up and down my back before fisting my shirt tightly in her fists.

"I love you," she whispered in my ear as I continued kissing her neck. I looked up and locked my eyes with hers as I grasped her face between my hands.

"I love you too, baby. So much," I whispered before I kissed her mouth feverishly again. Suddenly I felt myself falling to the ground with Bella beneath me. She smiled at me wickedly before pulling my face back down to hers. When I planned this, I honestly didn't even imagine gettin' busy in the meadow was even an option. But now that it was happening, I sure as fuck wasn't gonna do anything to stop it.

"Edward, please," she moaned as I bit and kissed her neck. She arched beneath me, her hands trying to undo the button on my pants. I pulled back and looked her in the eyes, making sure this was what she wanted and not something I planned.

"Are you sure? I mean, here?" I asked her with an arch to my eyebrow. She huffed a little and then I felt her whole body relax as she finally got the button undone.

"Yes, Edward. Please," she said as she pushed my pants and boxers down as far as she could. Suddenly thankful that she had worn a dress this morning, I ran my hands under it and slid her panties down her legs. I tossed them on the ground beside us and lowered myself down to her, my dick easily finding the warmth. She was already so warm and wet and ready for me.

I ran the head of my dick over her pussy, gathering the moisture, before placing it at her opening. I lowered myself back down over her and rested my forehead against hers.

"Thank you," I groaned as I pushed myself into her tightness. Bella moaned and locked her legs tightly around me.

"For what?" she asked me as I thrust into her again. I didn't know whether it was the fact that we could easily get caught out here or that she'd agreed to marry me, but I had a feeling that I wasn't going to last at all.

"For loving me and wanting to be my wife," I told her honestly. Without any warning at all, Bella's pussy clamped down tightly around me as she came screaming my name. A few more thrusts into her and I was following right behind, her name falling from my lips.

I let my body fall slightly, resting my head on her chest. She ran her hands up and down my back, underneath my shirt. Suddenly, I felt my face become wet. I knew I wasn't crying, so I looked at Bella and noticed her laughing.

It had begun to rain so I lifted myself off of her and put my clothing back right while Bella gathered the blanket and basket. Suddenly, the bottom dropped and it began to pour. I grabbed Bella's hand as we raced back to the car.

As we ran back, soaked to the bone, I was cursing the weatherman. But as I looked over at Bella and the bright smile on her face, I realized that even if it had rained the entire time, _nothing_ could have ruined this day.


	22. Chapter 22

**Same disclaimer applies.**

**Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. You girls are awesome!**

**BPOV**

Day by day, I found everything to be a little easier. My breath no longer hitched when I rolled over first thing in the morning and found his side of the bed empty. I didn't tear up when I looked at his side of the closet, full of clothes waiting to be worn.

As long as I kept my routine, I could keep my mind off of him. I'd wake up in the morning, go to work, come home, eat, shower, then go to bed. Some might have called me boring, but I was just aiming for survival. If I didn't stick to my routine, I was afraid I might go crazy.

A few times a day he might sneak into my thoughts. Like if I heard a certain song on the radio that reminded me of him, I'd have to rush out of the room and hide somewhere. I've often found myself either pulling the car off the side of the road or turning the station quickly.

I even thought I heard his voice once while at the bank. I almost completely made a fool out of myself, spinning in circles trying to find where the voice was coming from. Turned out it wasn't him. In my mind I knew it couldn't be him, but that didn't stop my heart from racing at the mere thought of hearing his voice again.

Laying in bed at night was the time I couldn't seem to keep him out of my mind. A room I once considered to be my sanctuary, turned out to be my own personal hell. My brain seemed to race through all my memories as I laid there, his side of the bed cold and lonely.

I missed him so much.

I wished he was here.

I wished I had another chance to talk to him.

I needed to talk to him.

I wanted to explain everything, make him see the person that I see when I look at him.

But I can't because he isn't here...and I'm finally getting used to it.

And that scared me.


	23. Chapter 23

**Same Disclaimer.**

**Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. I am so sorry for the delay posting this chapter. I'm still having internet problems at home. My kids started back to school finally, and then when I finally thought I was going to get a chance to sneak away and find a wifi signal somewhere out there, that damn Irene had to go and shut everything down. Anyway, enough excuses. **

**We have a little bit of a time jump here again.**

**2 years ago**

**EPOV**

I finished seasoning the steaks and placed them on the platter to carry outside. Emmett was manning the grill out on the deck. The girls had already made the salad and put the potatoes in the oven. Everyone was gathered at Carlisle and Esme's house. We'd rarely had a chance lately to be together all at once, so we all jumped at the opportunity.

Hearing the sound of footsteps entering the room, I looked up to see Jasper come in. He opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water out before coming to stand beside me at the counter.

"So, how have you been?" he asked me. I knew that he was asking in a general way, but I couldn't help but want to scream to the mountain tops how great I was. I never imagined myself to be someone who loved being married, but that was exactly how I was. I loved coming home to Bella. Yes, we had lived together before we were married, but coming home to my _wife _made it so different.

Bella and I stayed engaged while she finished school and found a permanent job. When we did finally get married, we had a small ceremony with only our families and a few close friends in attendance. The ceremony was held in the meadow behind her childhood home. I remembered when she came to stand before me at the make-shift alter, her face blushed wildly. She later told me that she was remembering when I proposed at that very meadow and exactly what took place afterwards. I told her that I remembered the same, but it had a very different effect on my body.

"I've been good," I told him. I knew that he didn't want to come out and ask me about my meds, and he knew that I would come to him if needed. Since my stay at the facility, he and Emmett had tried to be there for me as much as possible, even while living hours away.

"That's good. Is Bella still working at the elementary school?" Bella had taken a teaching job at the elementary school in Forks shortly before we were married. Since we got married in August, we were only able to take a short honeymoon weekend before she had to return for the school year to start.

"Yeah. She loves those kids, man. She comes home at night and that's all she can talk about," I told him, laughing. It was true. Bella had a class of twenty-eight Kindergarteners and she loved each of them as if they were her own. Last year, when the kids had to move up to first grade, she came home and cried her eyes out.

"Those steaks about ready? I'm hungry!" I heard Emmett yell from the back door. I shook my head and laughed before grabbing the platter and walking out the back door behind Jasper.

As I stepped out on the back deck, I spotted Bella sitting with Rose, Alice and Esme. In Bella's arms was our nephew, Ethan. He was only a couple of months old and already had all the women here wrapped around his finger. He looked just like Emmett with his chubby legs and dimples. He was the first grandchild for Esme, Carlisle and the Hale's, so little Ethan was already spoiled rotten.

I watched as Bella cooed and smiled at the baby. His wide eyes stared at her as she made crazy faces at him and then the biggest, toothless smile spread across his little face. I glanced up at Bella at that moment and I could have sworn her eyes filled with tears.

After a few more minutes of holding the baby, she passed Ethan back to Rose and turned her attention to Alice. Grinning widely, Bella placed both hands on my sisters growing belly and bent down to speak to it. Alice was six months pregnant and her tiny body had finally begin to show evidence of the growing child inside. She and Jasper had wasted no time in deciding to start a family.

As I watched Alice absentmindedly rub her stomach as she and Bella talked, I began to hate myself. I hated the fact that I couldn't give Bella that experience. She would never be able to feel her child growing within her. She'd never be able to grab someone's hand and place it over her belly as the child inside her kicked wildly. We'd never be able to give Carlisle and Esme a grandchild like Emmett and Alice have. Yet another thing I would fail at.

**O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O**

Later that night as we were getting ready for bed, I knew that I needed to speak to Bella about something. I couldn't believe that we had been together so long and had even gotten married and hadn't spoken about children. I knew where I stood, I just hoped that she was behind me. I had already put Bella through so much in our time together, and this was just another thing to add to the pile.

"You looked happy today," I told her as we pulled the covers down for the bed. She smiled at me widely as she fluffed her pillow up before lying down.

"I was. I hate that we don't get to see everyone as much. Today was great. And getting to see Ethan was awesome. I can't believe he's getting so big already," she said as she turned to face me.

"Bella, I need to tell you something," I told her as I reached over and held her hand in mine between us. She wrinkled her brow in confusion as she looked me in the eyes.

"What is it? What's wrong?" she asked me, her voice full of worry. I pulled her hand to my mouth and kissed it softly.

"It's just that I can't believe we've never discussed this. We're married and we haven't once brought up the subject of children."

"Why are you bringing this up now, Edward? What happened?" she asked me.

"It's just that you looked so happy today holding Ethan and rubbing Alice's stomach. And Bella, I can't give that to you. I can't give you children," I told her sadly.

"Why not? Did something happen to you? Are you sure? Have you seen a doctor?" she asked quickly. I shook my head and sighed. I hated having to explain this to her, but hopefully she would understand.

"No, Bella. I'm physically able to father a child, I just don't want to. I won't. I can't risk the chance that I could pass this disease on to another child the way my father did with me. I can't do that to an innocent child. It's just not fair. I can't force another child to grow up the way I did."

"Well, I can understand that, but there are other options, Edward. We could always adopt a child. There are plenty of children out there in need of loving homes. I mean, look at us. We'd be the perfect adoptive parents since we were both adopted ourselves," she said quietly.

She was trying to change my mind, but it had been completely made up for years now. I knew that I didn't want to be a father period, whether it was naturally or through adoption. I didn't want an innocent child around me at all. What if I went into an episode with a child around and I hurt them? I'd never be able to forgive myself, and I knew that Bella wouldn't forgive me for something like that.

"Besides, why are we talking about having babies right now, anyway? We're in no way ready for a child right now," she said before kissing me sweetly and rolling over to go to sleep.

I cut off the lamp beside the bed and reached across to pull her body toward mine. I gently kissed the back of her neck and felt her body relax against mine.

"Night, baby. I love you," I whispered into the dark room.

"I love you, too. Sweet dreams."

If I had my way, we'd never be ready for a child. I just couldn't risk it. I hated to disappoint Bella, but it was just how it had to be.


	24. Chapter 24

**Same Disclaimer. **

**Thanks to Juliegirl18, my beta for making this story easy on the eyes, LOL. Thanks to sariedee and Bella's Executioner for prereading for me and assuring me that this didn't suck. **

**We're back to present day and Bella...**

**BPOV**

I sat down at the kitchen table, magazines all around me with little post-it notes sticking out of them. My laptop was open in front of me with several web pages already open. I had been putting this off for a while now, but with some pressure from everyone around me, I finally decided to do it. Today was not a good day to get this done.

Some days were good. On the good days, I could smile and laugh without a worry to bother me. Some were bad. I would snap at everyone and cry at the drop of a hat.

Today was a bad day.

It all started when I got up late for work and had to miss my morning green tea. Then when I finally got to work, one of the teacher's who had been on maternity leave for a while asked me about him. I broke down sobbing and ran from the break room back to my car. One of my co-workers covered my class until I could calm down. It took until snack time.

Then when I got home there was some mail addressed to him. It was just some stupid junk mail wanting him to get a new credit card, yet I sat down on the floor in the kitchen and sobbed for fifteen minutes.

As I clicked a few items on the list the phone began to ring. When I looked at the call display, I saw that it was Carlisle. My stomach dropped and my heart began to race.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice shaking.

"Bella, I need you to meet me at our house," he said quietly.

"Carlisle, what's this about?" I asked him, afraid to hear the answer.

"Just meet me there, please," he said before disconnecting the line.

I quickly shut down my computer and grabbed my purse, rushing out the door. My entire body shook and my hands were sweaty as I rode the elevator down to the lobby. Whatever Carlisle needed to speak with me about sounded very important. I just hoped it was something I wanted to hear.


	25. Chapter 25

**Same disclaimer.**

**Thanks to my girls. **

**So, this one might be a rough one. Prepare yourselves. **

**Four Months Ago**

**EPOV**

If I could sum up today in one word it would be shitty. Bella woke up before me and cut the alarm off this morning, so I got up way later than I wanted to. That made me late for work this morning and put me behind with everything. Then the guys at work wanted to bitch and complain about anything and everything, which made for an interesting work environment today.

I was still helping Esme out at her design company. I made deliveries and helped install things. She really didn't have to let me work for her, but she did it anyway. It was the only job I could get since I had no college degree. I had to deal with the bossy homeowners telling me I was doing my job wrong, but I could see no other option.

Bella and I were both working our asses off with nothing substantial to show for it. She told me she was happy living in this apartment, but I knew that one day she would probably want something bigger. While living paycheck to paycheck, I didn't see that happening anytime soon.

Thankfully, I had found a way to save us a little money. Last month I decided to stop taking my meds. It saved us hundreds of dollars each month and so far everything was going fine. I hadn't 'flipped out' or anything, and I was feeling pretty good...so far.

I lugged my tired ass upstairs to our apartment and fought with the lock on the door. Finally getting it unlocked, I was surprised to find Bella already home. I was hoping she'd still be at work so I'd have time to calm myself down before she got home, but just my luck, she was here.

It's not that I didn't want to see her, because believe me I did. I just can't help but be a little frustrated when I do. We haven't fucked in like a month. She didn't want me to touch her and all she wanted to do lately was sleep.

"Hey," she said, coming up to me and kissing me quickly. I smiled tiredly at her before walking into the living room and placing my coat on the back of a chair. I sat down on the couch and began to pull my boots off when I noticed her standing near me, rocking from foot to foot. Something was on her mind and I was hoping it wouldn't be something that would cause an argument. With the mood I was in, tonight was definitely not the night to be arguing.

"What is it, Bella?" I asked her, already getting aggravated with her constant movement. She looked at me with her lip in between her teeth, and she was still rocking back and forth.

"Could you stop moving?" I said loudly, making her jump slightly. She looked at me and frowned, but she had stopped moving.

"I need to talk to you about something," she said quietly. Of course she needed to talk to me about something. It was always something or another. I couldn't just come home, relax and take it easy. No, because my wife had something she needed to speak with me about.

"And this couldn't fucking wait until I take a shower and get something to eat?" I asked her angrily. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and her eyebrow cocked in question. Any other time I would have thought she was cute, but right now she was just getting on my nerves.

"Actually, no it can't," she said firmly. I stood up from the couch, towering over her slightly. She took a step back away from me. Before now, I could never remember a time when Bella had backed away from me. Usually she stepped forward, not backing down at all.

"Well tell me, Bella. What is so fucking important that your husband can't get a goddamn shower and relax for a minute? Huh? What is it?" I asked her, my voice rising with each question. She backed up a little more until she was against the wall opposite from me.

"I'm pregnant," she said quietly. I immediately began to laugh because I was sure I was hearing things. There was no way she'd just said what I thought she did. After laughing for a few moments, I spoke again.

"I'm sorry. I thought you just said you were pregnant," I said, looking straight into her eyes, daring her to tell me it was true.

"I did say that, Edward. I am pregnant," she said a little louder. I groaned loudly and ran my fingers through my hair, pulling it tightly. There was no fucking way she could be pregnant.

"How did this happen?" I yelled.

"I don't know!" she yelled back, but I interrupted her.

"What do you mean, you don't know? What the fuck did you do? You knew I didn't want kids, Bella! How could you do this to me?" I yelled, stepping closer to her. She looked like if she could, she would have slid right through the wall into the next room.

"I didn't do it on purpose! I don't know what happened. I must have forgotten a pill or something," she said, tears running down her face. I roughly grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

"What the fuck have you done?" I yelled, before shoving her into the wall. She hadn't been that far away from it, so she didn't hit it hard. But it scared her, that much I could tell. For some reason, I couldn't find it in me to care though.

She'd betrayed me in the worst way possible. She knew I didn't want kids, but she went behind my back and did it anyway. She'd purposely gotten pregnant just to spite me. Of course, how did I even know it was mine? She could have gone out and fucked some other guy just so she could have a kid. Why would she want to have a kid that could turn out like me anyway?

"Is it mine?" I asked her as I turned to face her again. She stepped toward me, all fear wiped off her face. She raised her hand and slapped the shit out of me.

"How dare you? Of course it's your child, Edward! I'd never cheat on you, no matter how much of an asshole you are," she screamed at me. Well, we got that out of the way, so now I needed to fix this situation.

"You need to take care of this as soon as possible," I told her as I paced the room.

"What do you mean 'take care of this'?" she asked calmly. I stopped in front of her and she eyed me suspiciously.

"I mean end it. Get rid of it. I never wanted kids, Bella. You knew this, you just chose to ignore it," I said before grabbing my coat off the chair and pulling it on. She followed me to the front door as I pulled it open roughly.

"Where are you going, Edward? she asked me, crying once again.

"I'm leaving. I won't be back until you take care of this," I told her calmly. Before I could walk out of the door she grabbed my arm.

"Edward, please," she wailed. I shook her hold of me and stepped into the hallway. I turned around to face her one last time.

"Fix this," I said pointing to her stomach, before walking away.

**A/N: Ummmm, yeah. So I'm gonna go into hiding after this chapter. *backs away slowly* Hopefully I will be able to sneak away more often to post since the kids are back in school. **


	26. Chapter 26

**2 days ago**

**EPOV**

I was numb. I had done nothing but drink and get high since I got to Chicago. I couldn't even remember how long ago that was. I just knew that I was so fucked up that I couldn't focus on anything. That was exactly what I needed though, because as soon as I got on that fucking plane I knew I had fucked up. Not only did I accuse my wife of cheating on me, but I told her to get rid of our child. What kind of a fucked up person does something like that?

That's exactly what I was, one fucked up individual. That was the main reason I was staying away from Bella right now. Her and our baby would be a lot better off without me in their lives. I knew she probably hated me right now, and that was for the best. The more she hated me, the quicker it would be for her to move on. I didn't want to imagine her with someone else, but I also didn't want to burden her with raising our child alone.

"Another beer, man?" James asked me as he walked back into the living room. I nodded my head and he tossed me a can. James had supplied me with all the booze and drugs I wanted since I arrived. He made it so easy for me to forget, and that was exactly what I wanted to do...forget everything. He never asked me what was going on with me and I was glad. I didn't want to talk about it.

As soon as I left our apartment that night I knew I needed to get out of town immediately. Thankfully, James was still around the same area so I had somewhere to stay. I was surprised that no one had found me yet. I figured that as soon as they realized I was gone they'd come here looking for me. I bought my ticket with cash that night so they couldn't trace a credit card statement. James told me that he didn't work where he used to and he didn't live in the same apartment building, so he was hard to track down too.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" I asked as James stood up and walked toward the door. I almost laughed because I knew that he had nothing planned. I wasn't even sure if he had left the apartment at all since I got here except to buy food, beer or drugs.

"I'm gonna go down and see Vicki. She's been bitching about me not seeing her lately," he said as he took another chug of his beer. I had met Vicki once sometime since I'd been here. She seemed pretty nice, but I couldn't handle the groping and kissing that seemed to happen when they were in the same room together.

"Catch ya later," he said before walking out the door and heading downstairs to Vicki's.

I knew it was my own fault, but I fucking missed my wife. I missed laying down beside her at night and holding her body close to mine. I missed waking up every morning and watching her face as she slowly woke up. I missed her smell, her voice, her lips. I just fucking missed everything about her.

But I knew that I couldn't go back now. I had fucked up everything and it would never be alright again. I wished I could see her again. I imagined her, with a rounded belly, her skin glowing as she carried our child. I couldn't believe I would never see her again. I would never get to lay eyes on my child.

That was my own fault though. If I'd never stopped taking my meds again, I wouldn't have gotten all fucking suspicious and paranoid and blew up at her. I wouldn't have let the anger get the best of me and stormed off that night. I would be with her right now instead of in this shitty apartment all alone. I grabbed some of the pills James had left on the coffee table and took a few. I was becoming too coherent and needed something to knock my ass back out.

I didn't know how long James had been gone, but I was surprised when there was a knock at the door. I figured it was too early for him to be back and it was one of his buddies that usually came here to hang out. I stood up from the couch and wobbled my way to the door. I pulled it open and was startled at who I saw standing there.

"Edward! Thank God!" Carlisle yelled as I stepped away from him. He followed me inside as I slowly backed toward the wall. I slid my body down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. He couldn't find me here like this. I was high and drunk and all kinds of fucked up. He was going to send me away again. I couldn't go back there again. I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry. Please don't send me away. Please don't take me back there. Please don't leave me." I kept repeating over and over. I had no idea if I was talking to Carlisle or saying what I needed to say to Bella.

I felt Carlisle help me stand up from the floor. Everything was so blurry I could barely see. My face was wet. The fresh air hit me as soon as we were outside and I felt my stomach lurch. I pulled away from Carlisle and threw up in the bushes by the front entrance. He led me to the parking lot and into his car. Everything went black almost as soon as my head hit the seat.

I woke up later with my head pounding and my eyes swollen. I knew we were still in the car, but I had no idea where we were exactly. I was laying in the back seat and Carlisle was on the phone. I tried to hear what he was saying, but I had a feeling I was still high and my head was throbbing so hard I could barely think.

"Had to rent a car..."

"Couldn't take him on a plane..."

"Cried for hours..."

"Finally fell asleep..."

"Nightmares..."

That was all I could catch him saying in my groggy state. He was quiet for a few minutes, evidently listening to who was on the other end. It was probably Esme. He hated to be away from her for any length of time. I had no idea how long he'd been away from her while trying to find my sorry ass. Another person to add to the long list of people I'd hurt unintentionally.

"I'll call her and get her to meet us at the house," was the last thing I heard him say before I was out again.


	27. Chapter 27

**Same as always, I don't own anything.  
><strong>

**Thanks to my beta and all my prereaders. **

**And with this chapter, we are all in present day.**

**EPOV**

Carlisle had gotten us a hotel room for the night in Port Angeles. He said that he didn't want them to see me this way. He told me to go ahead and take a shower while he went out and got us some food and picked me up a change of clothes.

I wasn't exactly sure who 'them' was. I was pretty sure Esme was in that group. Possibly Emmett and Alice. Bella I wasn't sure about though. Yes, we were still married, but I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see me again. It would probably be for the best anyway.

Carlisle and I now rode together in silence back to Forks. When we arrived at the end of the long path leading to the house, my stomach felt like it was in knots. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to fight off the need to vomit. I was fucking scared. I had no idea what they would think of me. What would they say? Would they turn their backs on me because I had screwed up for the final time?

When he finally pulled the car to a stop, I opened my eyes. We were parked in front of the garage. I looked to my right and saw a very familiar car. I honestly didn't know what to think. Had she come to tell me goodbye? Did she have divorce papers with her? Would I actually sign them if she did?

"She's gonna be so pissed," I said as I stood against the side of the car door. Carlisle walked around to stand beside me and looked as if he wanted to slap the back of my head. I probably deserved it though, for so many things.

"Of course she's pissed, Edward. You left four months ago and we haven't heard a word from you the entire time," he said, anger evident in his voice.

"Four months?" I asked quietly. I had no idea I had been gone that long. It hadn't seemed like it had been four months, but I was drunk or high almost the entire time, so time really didn't have any meaning to me. I'd left her pregnant and all alone four months ago. Yeah, she was probably pissed and had every right to be.

Carlisle and I walked up the brightly lit porch side by side. I had to keep swallowing down the bile in my throat as we got closer to the front door. Before Carlisle could even open up the door, it swung out of his grasp. Esme stood in the doorway, smiling brightly, tears running down her face.

"Edward!" she said as she pushed Carlisle aside and pulled me into the house and into a hug. I hugged her back tightly as she rocked us back and forth. I could feel my shirt getting damp from her tears, but I didn't care. I didn't realize how much I'd missed her until this very moment.

Suddenly I heard a throat clear and Esme pulled away from me. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped closer to Carlisle. He put his arm around her and kissed her temple, smiling.

"We'll just leave you two alone," Carlisle said as he and Esme walked upstairs. I turned slowly to look at Bella. I didn't think I had ever seen her look as beautiful as she did in that moment.

When I left her, there was no evidence of the child growing inside her- only her word. But looking at her now, with her stomach slightly swollen, there was no denying it. I'd heard people speak about pregnant women glowing and I will be damned if it didn't look like she had some bright glowing light around her. Of course, I could possibly have still been high, but I wasn't betting on it. She was completely beautiful.

"Bella..." I said quietly as I stepped forward, reaching for her. She shook her head slightly and stepped back. I was a complete asshole to her the last time I saw her, but that stung.

"Where the hell have you been, Edward? It's been four months and we haven't heard from you at all?" she whisper yelled, trying not to let Carlisle and Esme hear our conversation.

"I went to Chicago. I hadn't realized it had been..."

"Chicago? Why the hell did you back there? You told me that there was nothing left for you there. If there was nothing for you there, why the hell did you stay for four months?"

"I hadn't realized I'd been gone that long," I told her. She shook her head and laughed.

"Of course you didn't know you'd been gone that long. From the looks of it you were high and drunk the entire time you were gone. That's right, I can tell. A shower and clean clothes can't hide it from me. I know you, Edward. Believe me, I can tell," she told me.

"It was the only way I could stay away from you. If I was high out of my mind, I couldn't focus enough to think about you, about what I had done. I knew that if I stayed sober for any amount of time that I'd come running back to you, begging you to take me back," I said. She looked at me sadly, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Why did you run from me? Why didn't you come back? I waited for you every day. I came home from work, hoping to see you sitting inside, but you never were," she said to me, tears falling down her face.

"I thought it was the best thing for you...for the baby. You don't need someone like me in your life, Bella. You'd be a lot better off without me. What I did to you before I left...God, baby, I am so fucking sorry. I understand if you never forgive me, but I have to let you know how sorry I am for what I said and for grabbing you like that," I told her quietly. My eyes had filled with tears and I finally let them fall. I did love her with all my heart and I'd never meant to scare her or hurt her, but I knew she'd be much better off without me in her life.

We stood quietly for a few minutes, neither of us speaking or looking at each other. Finally, I broke the silence and asked a question I'd been wondering about for a while now.

"How far along are you?" I asked her, looking up to face her. Before I'd left, I never asked the questions that the usual expectant father would ask, I'd just stuck my tail between my legs and ran. Her eyes lifted from looking down at the floor and focused on me with such fierceness.

"Why the hell do you care, Edward? You didn't even think it was yours! You told me to get rid of it! Why the fuck do you care?" she yelled at me, not caring if Carlisle and Esme heard her any longer or not. I flinched back at the venom in her words, but knew they were well deserved.

"I said I was fucking sorry, okay? I know what I told you to do was wrong and I've regretted it every day since then. I think you'd both be better off without me in your life, but that doesn't mean I don't give a damn," I told her truthfully. I had regretted speaking so harshly to her every day, wishing I could take it all back.

"Six months," she said quietly. I smiled a little as she rubbed her stomach. Like I said before, she was fucking glowing. Despite the conversation and the situation we were presently in, she looked happy.

"You're beautiful. That was the first thing I thought when I saw you standing there. I'd never seen..." I started, but she interrupted me.

"Shut up. Just fucking shut up. You can't come back here after four months and expect everything to be like it was," she said loudly.

"What? I know that. I wasn't expecting you to accept me back with open arms. You aren't stupid, baby. But you are beautiful. To see you standing there, carrying..."

"Shut the fuck up, Edward!" she said loudly, her hand still resting on her stomach. Esme rushed down the stairs, finally giving up trying to hide that she was listening the entire time.

"Bella? Honey?" she asked as she walked to stand by my wife. Bella looked up at her and smiled slightly.

"I think I'm ready to head home now. Esme, could you walk me out, please?" she asked. I went to walk toward her- to do what, I didn't know. Esme locked eyes with me and shook her head slightly.

Frustrated with the fact that my wife wouldn't listen to me and my mother wouldn't let me near her, I stomped my way up to my room.

It was all for the best anyway. We needed a clean break and this was it. She said what she needed to and hopefully she can move on now. She doesn't need me. She doesn't deserve me. She deserved so much better.


	28. Chapter 28

**Same as always, I don't own anything.  
><strong>

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders.**

**EPOV**

I sat on the sofa in my parents living room with just a small desk lamp on. I had been sitting down here so long that my eyes had adjusted to the lack of light. I glanced down again at the small, grainy photograph in my hand. I hadn't let go of it since I picked it up.

When I went upstairs after Bella said she was ready to leave, I was angry. Angry at myself for screwing up so fucking bad. Angry at her for not hearing me out. Angry at Esme for butting in and not giving us a chance to talk.

I stepped into what had been my bedroom when I lived here and slammed the door. It looked liked Carlisle and Esme hadn't changed much in the room since I lived here. There were just a few boxes stacked up in the corner of the room that didn't used to be there.

I noticed something lying on the pillow at the head of the bed and walked over to see what it was. I picked up the photograph carefully and studied the blurry black and white image. Bella's name was typed at the top and a small caption for the picture was at the bottom.

"_Baby Girl Cullen"_

This was a baby.

This was _our_ baby.

This was _my_ baby.

This was _my baby girl._

I ran my finger along the picture carefully again as I sat on the couch. Bella must have left the picture on my bed when she was waiting on Carlisle to arrive with me. I thought I had pissed her off enough that she didn't want me to have anything to do with our child, but hopefully I was wrong.

When I first realized what the picture was, I was floored by the emotion that I felt. I was staring at the picture of a little person I had never met, but I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of love and a need to protect her with all that I was. My angel had me wrapped around her finger already. I loved this little girl so much in a matter of seconds and had never even met her yet.

I was suddenly bombarded with images I would give anything to see happen.

_A small bundle wrapped in pink lying peacefully in her mother's arms._

_A little princess with chubby legs wobbling toward me as she took her first steps. _

_A beautiful little girl screaming "Daddy" at the top of her lungs as I pushed her higher and higher on the swings._

I knew from that moment on that I would do everything within my power to get Bella to forgive me. I couldn't see myself not being with them every day. I had a baby girl on the way and I had already missed out on so much. I vowed that from this day forward, I would do anything in my power to keep them happy.

When I was just about ready to get up and finally go to bed, I heard a car pull into the driveway. Before I could make it to the front door, Esme was opening it and walked inside. She looked like she'd been crying and I was immediately concerned. I hadn't even known she'd been out.

"What's the matter? Where have you been?" I asked her as she placed her coat and purse on the chair next to me. She looked at me and sighed rather loudly. Evidently where she had been had something to do with me. What, I didn't know though.

"I was at the hospital," she said. My mind began to race, wondering exactly what was wrong with her and why she needed a hospital.

"Why? What's wrong? Is it you? Was it Carlisle? Alice?" I asked her as I went to stand beside her. She was shaking her head sadly.

"I was with Bella," she said. With those words, it felt like all the air from the room had been sucked out. I suddenly got light headed and backed up until I felt the edge of the sofa on the back of my knees. I sat down and tried to calm my racing heart.

"Oh God. Is she alright? What happened?" I asked her, rapidly. My mind began to form scenarios that I prayed to God weren't true. I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it harshly, ready to bargain with whoever I needed to just to make sure she...they, were alright.

"When she was ready to leave earlier she'd began to have some sharp pains in her stomach. When I walked her out, she asked me if I would accompany her to the emergency room," she said calmly. Of course it was my fucking fault. It was always my fault. If I wouldn't have argued with her, made her yell at me, none of this would have happened. My baby wasn't even born yet and I'd already put her in danger.

It suddenly hit me that I needed to be with her. Here I was resting comfortably at home and she was in pain. I'd already missed so much in the past few months, but now I had a chance to make up for lost time. I stood up quickly and went to grab my coat.

"Where are you going, Edward?" Esme asked me. I looked at her with confusion on my face. Where else would I be going when my wife was in the hospital?

"I've got to be there. I should go to her and help her. Why didn't you call me earlier and tell me?" I asked her. If Esme would have called me as soon as she knew where they were going, I would have been right behind them. She shook her head sadly and grabbed me by the arm.

"She asked me not to. She was resting comfortably when I left her. Edward, she doesn't want you there," she said quietly. Well, that changed things.

"She doesn't...want me..." I whispered. That completely changed things. If she didn't want me now, when she should have needed me the most, I had to honor her wishes.

But once I knew she was better and that our baby was fine, all bets were off. I just needed to come up with some kind of plan. I needed her. I needed them. I was nothing without them.


	29. Chapter 29

**Same Disclaimer, I own nothing.**

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders. As of right now, my internet is currently working (Yay!) so the updates should be a little quicker. And now that I've said that, something will go wrong, LOL.**

**3 days later**

**BPOV**

I walked into the apartment, Esme following behind me. Looking around, I noticed that the place looked a little more put together than it had been since I left the other night. Esme must have come over at some point in the past three days and straightened up for me.

I held the small paper bag tightly in my hands as I made my way to the bathroom. I stepped inside and locked the door behind me. I was glad that she was here with me, but right now I really needed to be alone.

I sat the paper bag on the counter and opened it up. Pulling the bottles out, I lined them up on the counter. I had never been a big one for taking any kind of medicine, but I knew that I needed it now. It would help.

I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and stared into the empty space. I should probably regret making Esme promise that she wouldn't let Edward come to the hospital. I didn't though. I had more important things to concentrate on at the time than my long lost husband returning home.

A soft knock on the door was followed by Esme's soft voice. I was so glad she was with me right now. I needed a motherly figure, and since my own mother couldn't be with me, Esme was the next best thing.

"Sweetheart, do you need anything?" she asked me quietly through the door. I smiled. Esme was probably aching to get home to Carlisle and Edward. She hadn't spent much time with Edward since he'd returned home because she spent most of the time at the hospital with me. But even now, she was still concerned about how I was doing first.

"No, thank you. I'm fine. I think I'm just gonna take a quick shower and then lie down," I answered.

"Okay. You have my number if you need me," she said. I listened for a few seconds and then heard her quiet footsteps as they walked down the hallway, away from me. A few minutes later I heard the front door open as she left.

Alone once again. Lately, that was all I ever felt...alone.


	30. Chapter 30

**Same Disclaimer, I own nothing. **

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders.**

**EPOV**

It had been three weeks since I spoke to Bella. The last time I had spoken to her was before she walked out of here the night I came back. The night she went into the hospital. Thankfully, she had enough compassion to let Esme at least tell me that she and the baby were okay, otherwise I would have gone crazy. My imagination had managed to come up with quite a few scenarios that all left my stomach in knots and my eyes filled with tears.

I spoke to Bella's voice mail every day and we were on a very friendly basis. I'd call her just to let her know that I loved her. I'd tell her that I missed her. I'd tell her that I couldn't do anything but think about her. All of it was the complete truth. She was probably erasing them without listening to them, but who the hell cared?

I also 'spoke' to Bella's e-mail a lot lately. Yes, I had gotten so desperate that I was resorting to e-mailing my wife just to get her to talk to me. Although she had requested that I leave her to think for a while, I couldn't break all contact. I didn't know if she was reading them or not, but it didn't stop me from sending them.

I shared with her how I was attending AA meetings. Carlisle had helped to get me into a group that mainly consisted of younger people with drinking and drug problems. I had attended every meeting in the last three weeks. I was proud of myself because before now, I would have attended one meeting and quit.

I also shared with her how I was back on my meds and going to therapy again. That had been helping a lot too. Last week the therapist got into the touchy subject of Bella's pregnancy. She asked me why, at first, I hated the fact that Bella was pregnant. After a few minutes, I finally broke down and told her that I was scared. I was scared that I was gonna screw up so bad and fuck up my child for life. Either that, or I was gonna do something so bad and leave my child alone, like I was, without a father, or God forbid, a mother. I was so scared that I was the one that finally fucked up my father so bad that he had no other way out but to kill himself and my mother. Basically, I didn't want to become my father and I was afraid having a child might put me closer to that point.

I was also on a first name basis with the local florist here in Forks too. Almost every day I had some type of bouquet sent to our apartment. They were never the typical thing like roses. I liked to send her the obscure arrangements, the ones you didn't see every day. Our apartment probably smelled like a funeral parlor and Bella was probably cursing me with every delivery, but I couldn't stop. I didn't want her to think I'd forgotten about her. I wanted her to know that I was here when she was ready to talk.

I walked into the house and threw my keys on the small table by the door. I had just gotten back from the local post office. Just today I had finally decided to take it old school. I spent hours this morning writing an actual letter to Bella. I got some fancy stationary from Esme's home office and sat down on my bed and poured my soul out on about five sheets of paper.

I had nothing left to keep from her. I told her all my thoughts about finding out she was pregnant to how sorry I was for what I did to her when I left. I also told her how much I looked forward to the birth of our daughter and how that little picture she left on my pillow had officially changed my life.

I decided to take a quick shower since I didn't get a chance to earlier. I'd been so wrapped up in writing the letter and mailing it that I didn't even bother to shower before heading out to the post office.

After my shower, I stepped out from the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around me to find my phone ringing. I picked it up and almost dropped it when I saw the name displayed. I'd waited for this day for a while now. What if something was wrong with her or the baby? What if that was the only reason she was calling? Why haven't I answered?

"Hello? Bella?"

"Hi, Edward," she answered. I closed my eyes and smiled. I pictured her smiling, her hand rubbing across her swollen belly.

"Hey, baby. Is something wrong? Do you need anything?" I asked her quickly. I couldn't detect pain or anything in her voice, but that didn't mean that she was hiding it. My girl was strong and I wouldn't put it past her at all.

"I need my husband," she said quietly. I was pretty sure my heart skipped a beat when she uttered those words. Of course, mine weren't quite so eloquent.

"Huh?"

"I said I need my husband. Look, I know we have a lot of crap to talk about and work through, but how are we supposed to do that with you living at your parents house? I want you to come home. I need you home, Edward," she said, her voice breaking with the last sentence. I didn't even bother to stop the tears that flowed from my eyes. She wanted me to come home. She wanted every thing to work out. She wanted to stay with me.

"Thank God," I breathed out. "I love you so much, Bella. I love you, baby. I love you." She laughed a little bit, but I could tell it was through tears.

"I love you, too. So much," she said. I couldn't wait to have her in my arms again. I couldn't wait to lay down beside her every night and hold her tightly to me, protecting both her and our daughter.

"So, how long will it take you to get here?" she asked me. I knew that Esme would let me borrow her car if I told her what it was for. I just needed to call her and let her know.

"I'm leaving now. I love you."

"I love you too. Hurry."


	31. Chapter 31

**Same disclaimer, I do not own.**

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders.**

**BPOV**

I smiled and bopped my head to the music as I walked around our apartment, straightening things that didn't need to be straightened. I had rearranged every thing on the coffee table probably fifty times in the past fifteen minutes.

Some might call me stupid for letting Edward come back so soon. But like I told him on the phone, how were we supposed to work through our problems when I wasn't even in contact with him?

The doctor told me to keep stress level to a minimum for a while and I knew that avoiding contact with Edward for that time to be crucial. It had worked and I hadn't felt better than I did right now.

But now it was time for my husband to come home. We had stuff to work through and the way to do that was for him to be by my side. I knew that I loved him and wanted to stay married to him, and that was all that mattered. No, everything wouldn't be the same as it was before he left, but we would get through it all. Together.

My breath hitched the minute the door bell rang. I smoothed out my dress and rubbed my hand across my belly. Taking a deep breath I opened the door with a large smile across my face. The smile fell slightly when I saw who was on the other side of the door.

"Carlisle, what are you doing here?" I asked him as I stepped aside to allow him to come in.

"Bella, I need you to come with me," he told me as he stepped closer to me.

"I can't right now. Edward is on his way here. I told him that I wanted him back home and he said he was coming right over," I told him, glancing at the clock on the wall. "Although that was a little while ago. He probably should have been here by now."

I looked at Carlisle's face and my stomach dropped. I swallowed down the bile in my throat and shook my head rapidly back and forth.

"No! No! No!" I yelled at him, stepping back away from him. He reached for me, taking my hand.

"Bella, we need to get to the hospital."


	32. Chapter 32

**Although I'm pretty sure no one is reading this, LOL, I'm just gonna go ahead and say that I own nothing. **

**A/N: You guys can all thank my beta, Juliegirl18, for this chapter. Even though she was sick with bronchitis this week, she took care of this chapter for me because I knew you guys were freaking out. If she hadn't, you guys would have had to wait or be stuck with an unbeta'd chapter. **

**Thanks to my prereaders who have stuck with me through this story. **

I walked into the hospital room with Carlisle and Esme right behind me. I looked further into the dimly lit room and saw Edward lying in the bed.

His head was bandaged. His face was swollen. His body was so broken. There were tubes and wires coming from everywhere. I didn't think there was an inch of his body that wasn't covered with some type of bandage.

This was the first glimpse of Edward that we had gotten. When we first arrived, we were told that he had been rushed to surgery. The police officers chose this time to share with us exactly what had taken place.

Edward had been driving Esme's car. He came to the stop light on Main Street. His light was green so he kept going. The log truck driver's light was red. But he kept going too. He slammed into Esme's car. He hit Edward.

_If only I had not told him to hurry. _

_If only I'd called him a few minutes later. _

_If only he left a few minutes later, his light would have been red and he would have been forced to stop. _

_If only, if only, if only..._

I walked over to the side of his bed and sat in the chair next to it while Carlisle and Esme leaned against the wall. They tried to give us some sort of privacy but didn't want to let him out of their site. I didn't blame them at all.

I wanted to touch him, but I had no idea where I could. His whole body looked like it hurt. I carefully took his hand in mine and looked at his face. If I didn't know who it was lying in the bed in front of me, I wasn't sure I would have recognized him.

His bronze colored hair didn't peak out from under the white bandages covering his head because it had been shaved off so they could open up his skull and release some pressure from the bleeding.

His face was scratched up because of the glass that exploded all around him when the truck impacted the small car he was in.

His green eyes weren't visible because he wouldn't open his eyes and wake up. They weren't sure when he'd wake up.

The weren't sure if he _would _wake up.

I held his hand in mine, as tightly as I could, tears streaming down my face. My other hand was rubbing smooth circles across my belly. Esme had contacted my doctor earlier and he'd stopped by to check on me. He didn't want the stress of the situation to cause me to end up back in the hospital. I told him I was fine.

Which was a complete lie. I wasn't fine at all. The baby was fine, but I wouldn't be fine until my husband woke up.

"I love you, Edward," I whispered to him, bringing his hand up to my lips to place a gentle kiss on it.

"I'm so sorry. I should have asked you to come home sooner. If I had, you wouldn't have been on that road today. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I sobbed. I suddenly felt them wrap their arms around me and hold me tightly, all of us sobbing.

"It's not your fault, sweetheart," Carlisle said through his tears.

"He'll be okay, Bella. He has to be okay," Esme cried.

She was right. He'd be okay. He _had_ to be okay. Because I didn't know who I was without Edward by my side. I didn't know if I could go on without him by my side. I didn't want to find out either.


	33. Chapter 33

**I don't own Twilight of any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**A/N: Thanks to my beta and my prereaders. **

I walked into the hospital room, nothing having changed since the last time I was here. Edward was still lying motionless on the bed, tubes and wires coming from everywhere. His bruises had faded a little and his scratches looked less severe. But he still hadn't opened his eyes.

I promised myself and him that I wouldn't leave his side until he woke up. I had been at the hospital since he'd been brought in. I ate shitty hospital food and slept what little I could on the uncomfortable fold out chair they had inside.

After a week of this, Carlisle and Esme had different plans. They used the health of our child to coerce me into going home. They said that I needed to shower, eat something and get some rest. They said that I needed to think of the baby.

I finally agreed only when Carlisle and Esme promised me they wouldn't leave his side for a minute while I was gone. I didn't want him waking up by himself. I didn't want him to think no one cared about him.

When I got back to the apartment that day I found something that I would treasure for the rest of my life. There was a letter from Edward. He'd written me a letter. It was dated from the day of the accident. I assumed he had written and mailed it before he talked to me that day.

I didn't bother to open it yet, deciding to go ahead and get a shower and eat something. I knew that the minute I sat down to read it I wouldn't let it go. After I was done with all I needed to do, I settled myself on the bed and opened the letter.

I cried so many tears that night reading his words. He opened up to me so much, in a way that he never truly had. I clutched the letter tightly to my chest and cried myself to sleep.

I walked over and took my seat by his bedside. I pulled out the letter and gripped his hand tightly in mine. Every day, as I sat by his bedside, I would read little snippets of the letter. I felt closer to him doing this. I could hear his voice inside my head as I read his words aloud.

_"I can't tell you how honored I am that you're carrying my child, Bella. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness for my actions that day, but I am praying that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can't imagine my life without you and our daughter in it. I don't want to."_

_"That picture I found on my bed that night changed my life forever. When I looked down at that little face, I knew. I knew that it was no longer about me and you. We created an angel together and I knew from that moment on that I would do anything in my power to be what you both deserve."_

The letter went on for five pages. He rambled quite a bit in it, but I loved every word.

_"I was thinking about baby names the other night. Not that I have any right at this moment to think that you would use any name I come up with. Anyway, I like the name Bethany. It's like a cross between my biological mom's name, Elizabeth, and my middle name, Anthony. What do you think? Bethany Marie."_

_"I can't wait for the moment I can hold that little girl in my arms, Bella. I never knew how much I wanted that until I realized I might not get it. God, I know I'm probably sounding like a pussy here, but I can't wait for the moment I hear her little voice call me Daddy."_

That line always brought me to tears. So many times since I found out I was pregnant, I had imagined the same thing. A little girl calling him Daddy as he pushed her on the swings. Her running and jumping into his arms as she laughed with him. I'd imagined it so many times and now I might not ever get the chance to see it happen.

I gripped his hand tighter in mine and pulled it to my mouth, trying to hold back the sobs threatening to escape.

"Edward. You can't leave me. I can't do this without you. I don't want to do this without you. You have to come back to me. _Please_."


	34. Chapter 34

**I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**A/N: Thanks to my beta and prereaders.**

The hospital room had become very dreary in the past couple of weeks. I had taken up Edward's sudden love for the local florist and had fresh flowers delivered every few days. It really brightened the place up and added some much needed color to the room.

I had also added a few framed photographs around the room. There was one of us together at my senior prom. One of the whole gang together on a trip we took to the lake a few summers ago. Then of course, there was the small sonogram image I had framed and placed on the small table by his bed.

"So, the doctor says she's growing just fine. The due date is still the same," I told him as I picked one of his legs up and bent it at the knee. I read online that it helped the patient maintain some muscle tone.

"Did you have a nice visit with Alice and Emmett? I'm sure Alice talked your head off the entire time she was in here," I said, still stretching his legs. All the nurses and doctors looked at me like I was crazy when I did it, but I had to do something. I was tired of sitting by his bedside crying my eyes out and feeling like I was doing nothing at all to help him.

After I finished stretching out all his limbs, I carefully covered him back up and sat back down beside the bed. I pulled out the latest book I had ordered and sat down and began to read to him.

Edward had mentioned in his letter that he wanted to start reading books about pregnancy and being a dad. He wanted to learn all there was to learn about what was happening to my body and what would happen once the baby got here. Since he couldn't very well do it on his own right now, I had taken the initiative and read to him.

After a few pages, the door to his room opened up. Dr. Henry walked in followed by a very gloomy looking Carlisle. I continued my reading as the doctor checked over Edward. He knew I didn't want to speak with him at the moment so he let me be. Once he was done he exited the room with Carlisle right behind him.

I thought back to the reason I was so angry at Dr. Henry and Carlisle. They had no idea what they were talking about.

_"Mrs. Cullen, we have performed numerous tests over the past few weeks and there is zero brain function. He will not recover from this," Dr. Henry said as Carlisle and I sat in his office. I'd left Esme in the room with Edward because I was hoping that Dr. Henry had some good news about his recovery. _

_"So what are you saying?" I asked him quietly. Carlisle reached over and took my hand. _

_"Dr. Henry is saying that he thinks it's time we let him go, Bella," Carlisle said. I shook my head and tears streamed down my cheeks. _

_"No. No. You don't know what he's been through. He's strong. He'll make it through this. He'll be fine," I said before standing up and leaving the office. _

That had been a week ago. I still had no doubt that Edward was strong, but I was seriously beginning to wonder when he'd wake up. If he'd wake up. I was scared. With every pitiful look the nurses gave me and every word the doctor wrote on his chart, my hopes fell just a little more.

"You have to wake up for me. You've gotta show them how strong you are, baby. Show them they're crazy. Wake up, Edward. Wake up," I told him sternly. My voice cracked a little as I began to cry.

"You promised me you wouldn't leave me again. Don't do this to me. I don't know what to do without you. Don't leave me. Everyone leaves me! You promised me you wouldn't!" I cried into his chest. More than anything, I longed to feel his arms wrap around me and hold me tightly, his voice whispering in my ear telling me that everything would be okay.

But they didn't.


	35. Chapter 35

**I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: Thanks to my betas and prereaders.**

I walked around the room, letting my fingers slowly brush along the back of the couch. Although he hadn't been here in quite a while, his presence still lingered. Even after the months he was gone, nothing much had changed. One of his coats was still thrown across the back of the chair in the corner. A pair of his shoes still sat untouched by the front door. It looked like he had been here all along, but that wasn't true.

I walked over to the wall of photographs I had put up and ran my finger across his image. We were so happy and in love. His eyes were glowing brightly, his smile wide the entire day. I had a huge smile spread across my face in the picture as well. I had never been happier than I was on my wedding day.

_"I, Edward, take you, Bella, to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the woman you will become, and falling in love a little more every day. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us." _

_Edward gently placed the ring on my finger and smiled at me, tears pooling in both of our eyes. He leaned over and kissed me sweetly and was chastised by the preacher saying that it wasn't that time yet. I laughed, along with all our family and friends when Edward muttered that it was his wedding and he could do what he wanted. _

I walked into our bedroom and looked at the large, daunting bed. I needed to rest, but I knew if I laid down, I would never want to get back up. I wanted to lay down in that bed and feel his arms wrap around me, keeping me safe and secure. I wanted to feel his lips press soft, gentle kisses along my neck.

_"I love you," he whispered as he kissed along the back of my neck. One arm was propping my head up like a pillow while the other wrapped around me, his hand gently caressing my stomach. _

_"Everything will be okay. I promise," he whispered in my ear. "You're so strong, baby. Everything's gonna be fine."_

The phone ringing startled me out of my fantasies and I made my way back out to the living room to answer it. I picked up the phone knowing who it was before I even answered it.

"Bella," Carlisle spoke from the other end. I sighed loudly, knowing exactly why he was calling. He had been pushing this for a while now and it was finally time. I knew that deep down. I knew it was time, but that didn't mean that it wasn't hard for me.

"Hello, Carlisle. I'll be there in a few minutes. I just needed some time," I told him quietly.

"Okay, sweetheart," he said. "Take your time. I understand. See you in a bit." I disconnected the call quickly. _How could he say that he understands? He has no clue what I'm going through right now. No fucking clue. _

I took one final look around the room before grabbing my coat and heading out.

****Vows not written by me. Borrowed from an online source.****


	36. Chapter 36

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**Thanks to my beta and prereaders. This story wouldn't be what it is without you guys. **

**I've gotten all the chapters that remain back from my beta. I will post one a day until this is complete. Thanks for sticking with me!**

I walked into Edward's hospital room for what would be the last time. Tears already filled my eyes as I looked at my husband lying in the bed. What I wouldn't give to walk in this room and see him sitting up in bed, laughing and joking around with his dad.

I saw that Carlisle and Esme were inside alone and instantly wondered where everyone else was. I figured they would all be here considering what was going on today.

"Where is everyone?" I asked them. "I figured that at least Alice and Emmett would be here even if Rose and Jasper couldn't make it." They hadn't been able to see Edward as much as they would have liked, but I knew they would want to be here for this.

"They already came by and I told them to wait in the other room," Carlisle said. "I figured you would want some time." I shook my head.

"Could you please have them come in? They need to be here," I said before walking over and taking what had become my seat by Edward's bedside. Carlisle walked out to go get the others as Esme and I sat on either side of the bed.

"I can give you a few minutes with him if you'd like," I told her quietly. She shook her head.

"No. Carlisle and I have already had our time with him before you got here," she said, reaching over and patting my hand that rested on the bed by Edward's.

I reached over and took Edward's hand in mine and smiled lightly at Esme. We both already had tears streaming down our faces. After a few minutes, I saw Carlisle discreetly walk in with Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper following behind him. He nodded at Esme and she stood up and leaned over, kissing Edward's forehead gently. She ran her hand over his head and whispered her love for him as they walked over to the corner of the room.

Very quietly, Emmett took Esme's place by the bed. I looked at him and was struck by the emotion on his face. Emmett had never been one to show much of any kind of feeling other than anger or hilarity, but the look on his face at that moment was one I would never forget. He gripped his brother's frail hand in his and closed his eyes tightly. He brought Edward's hand to his mouth and his whole body began to shake as he sobbed quietly. Rose came to stand behind him, soothingly running her hand across his back.

After a few minutes, Emmett opened his blood shot eyes and gently laid Edward's hand back on the bed. He stood up and kissed his forehead and smiled slightly at him.

"I love you, Edward, and I'm gonna miss you," he whispered quietly before walking over to stand by Carlisle and Esme. Slowly, followed by Jasper, Alice came over and took the seat Emmett had just vacated. Jasper placed his hands on Alice's shoulders as he stood behind her.

"Edward, I have so much I want to say to you, but so little time," she said as she cried. "I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about Bella. She knows that if you could, you would stay with her right now. Just know that we're here for her. She'll never be alone, I promise." She stood up and kissed his forehead gently and rubbed her hand along his cheek.

"I love you, Edward," she whispered quietly before going and taking her place beside Emmett. He reached over and pulled her into his arms and they both began to cry again. I realized it was my turn. It was my turn to tell my husband goodbye.

"God, you know how much I don't want to do this, but they tell me it's time. I don't want to let you go, Edward. I don't know how to live my life without you. I know that I need to go on without you, but is it bad to say that I don't really want to?"

I clutched his hand tightly in mine, tears streaming down my face. I could barely speak the words I wanted to say because I was sobbing so hard.

"I love you so much, Edward. When you came into my life, you showed me that I could love again. I didn't think I'd ever be able to let someone in after the death of my parents and you showed me that I could."

"With our love we created this little girl and I know that I need to go on for her. And I promise you, Edward, I will tell her every day. I will tell our daughter every day what a loving, caring, wonderful man her daddy was. I will make sure she knows how much you loved her even before she was born. Not a day will go by that she won't hear about how much you loved her. I promise. I promise she will know," I said, sobbing as I gripped his hand in mine.

"So, you can go now, baby. It's okay. I won't be alone. _We_ won't be alone," I sobbed as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Alice's teary face. I looked over and saw the doctor standing by Esme and Carlisle. I quietly stood up and leaned over Edward, kissing him gently on the cheek.

"I love you so much. I always will. I love you," I told him. I turned and Alice pulled me into her arms as we both cried. I felt Emmett's strong arms hold us both tightly as we heard the doctor turned the machines off and the quiet buzz that had filled the room for the past few weeks turned to silence.


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks again to my beta and prereaders. And thank you to the readers who have stuck with me through this.**

I sat down on the bed, one hand caressing my growing stomach and the other holding a picture of Edward. It had only been a three days since we said goodbye to him, but even now, as I sat here in my black dress preparing to go to his funeral, I couldn't help but wish.

I wished that he would come walking through our bedroom door and tell me that it was all some big mistake. I wished that he would tell me that I was having a horrible nightmare as he shook me awake in bed. I just wished he was here with me now. I felt so alone, even though I knew I wasn't. Just like Alice had promised, I hadn't been alone one single time since leaving the hospital that day.

Everyone said that it would get easier and easier, to take it one day at a time, but I was finding that it got harder. As the days went by, all I could think about was the baby. How I would have to give birth to his daughter without him. How I would have to raise her without Edward. Some days, I wasn't even sure I wanted to go on.

Lately, I found myself remembering one day when I was back in high school. I was a senior and Edward had already graduated. My English teacher had given the class the assignment of watching Romeo and Juliet. Edward had already been forced to watch it the previous year, but rather than miss out on spending time with me, he chose to watch too.

_"You know what, I kinda get where Romeo is coming from," he said as he held me tightly on the couch. I turned my body to where I was facing him and looked at him questioningly. _

_"What?" I asked him. He smiled gently at me and kissed me quickly. _

_"I'm just sayin' that I get where he's coming from. He couldn't imagine living in a world where he couldn't be with Juliet, so he did the only logical thing that came to mind. He made it to where he didn't have to. I would do the same thing if given the choice. I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist," he said before kissing me sweetly. _

At the time, I completely agreed with Edward. I knew that I didn't want to live in a world that he wasn't a part of. But now, just because I didn't want to live without him, didn't mean that I wouldn't. I had to now because I had our daughter to think about.

As much as it hurt me to know that I wouldn't wake up lying next to him every morning or be able to call him and tell him I loved him anytime I wanted, I knew that I had to keep going for him, because I made him a promise that day.

I promised him that I would tell our daughter about his love for her. I promised that not a day would go by where she didn't hear all about her daddy. And I intended to keep that promise.

"You ready to go?" Jasper asked as he walked into the bedroom. I nodded my head and he walked out ahead of me. I looked at the picture of Edward in my hand one last time and kissed my fingertips, placing them on his face.

"I love you...always," I whispered as I placed the picture back on the nightstand.


	38. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. It and all of its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

I smiled as I watched her toddle her way across the grass, careful to avoid the large granite stones in her path. Esme held her hand tightly in hers, but still let her lead the way. She looked so much like her daddy it was almost frightening. Her light brown hair often showed a tint of red when the sun hit it, and her eyes were the same shocking green his had been. I saw him every day when I looked into the eyes of our daughter.

Bethany Marie Cullen was now eighteen months old and the light of my life. From the moment she was born she became my strength. When it felt like I couldn't go on any longer without him, all I had to do was look at her face and see that he was still here with us. I could see that he lived on through his daughter.

The day she was born was both a sad and happy day. We were all thrilled at the fact that she was coming, but devastated that Edward wouldn't be there with us. But Carlisle reminded us that he was indeed with us in spirit.

The delivery room was a full house, despite what the nurses at the hospital wanted. When one nurse tried to make everyone but Esme leave the room, I broke down in tears. Rose pulled her aside and talked to her. She told her that the one person I wanted to be there with me that day wasn't able to be so they were all standing in his place. With that, they were all allowed to stay in the room with me.

When they placed her in my arms and I announced her name to the family, I felt a sudden, peaceful feeling wrap around me. I was never able to tell Edward that I loved the name he wrote in the letter and had chosen to use it, but I felt him the day she was born...I was sure of it.

There were some rough days after she was born, of course. I stayed with Esme and Carlisle for a while afterwards, afraid to be on my own, all alone with a newborn. Bethany had her days and nights mixed up for a while and I was running on fumes most days. When she cried, I cried. When she slept, I slept.

But when she started smiling and babbling, everything began to feel different. It was like the dark grey cloud that hung over me for so long had been lifted. I loved to make her laugh. She had the most precious laugh I had ever heard. She also had the most beautiful smile. Her smile reminded me so much of her daddy.

I watched Esme lead Bethany over to the small pond near the center of the cemetery. I pulled my shoes off and sat down by the large granite headstone marking my husband's final resting place. I ran my hand along the engraved words and smiled slightly. Although Bethany hadn't been born when he died, I made sure that _father_ was on his headstone. He would have wanted it that way, I was sure.

"She's getting so big, Edward. She looks so much like you sometimes that it kills me inside. I see so much of you in her every single day, even down to her love of avocados," I said, laughing a little.

"I tell her every day, just like I promised I would. She knows how much you love her," I told him quietly.

It was true. From the very first night home, I held her in my arms every day and told her all about her daddy. I would tell her stories about when we were younger and I would tell her stories that he had told me about when he was a boy.

When she got a little older, I began to show her pictures of Edward. I wanted her to see him and know that was her daddy. I will never forget one particular time I showed her his picture.

_I was sitting on the couch at Esme and Carlisle's, watching the local news as Bethany sat on the floor in front of me playing with her blocks. Suddenly, she stood up and walked over to the large bookshelf and pulled out what had become her favorite book. I smiled widely at her and held my arms open. _

_"Come here, baby girl. I take it that it's picture time?" I asked her as she cuddled up to me in my lap and held the book in hers. I flipped open the page and smiled at the first one I put in . It was a picture of Edward and me that Alice had taken when he didn't expect it. It was my graduation and while everyone was snapping pictures of me, I grabbed him and pulled him to my side and got Alice to take a picture. He was dressed in a white button down and black tie and looked as handsome as ever. _

_"Mama," Bethany said as she pointed at me in the picture. I nodded my head and smiled at her. _

_"That's right, baby. That's mama," I said, praising her. Suddenly, she smiled widely and her little chubby finger pointed at Edward. _

_"Dada. Dada. Dada," she said over and over again. I squealed loudly and hugged her to me tightly as the tears fell down my face. _

_"That's right, Bethany. That's daddy and he loves you very much," I told her. I heard someone running down the stairs quickly and looked up to find a worried Esme walking toward us. _

_"Bethany, tell Nana Esme who that is," I said, pointing at Edward. Bethany smiled at her Nana and then pointed her finger at Edward again. _

_"Dada. Dada. Dada," she said causing both me and Esme to break down in tears of joy. _

"She knows exactly who you are, baby. That was my one fear, that she would never know who you were. But we've all made sure that she knows. She sees pictures of you every day and knows that you are her daddy," I told him.

Bethany slowly walked over to me and sat down in my lap. She looked at the large headstone in front of her and back at me in question. Not knowing how to explain to her where we were, I decided to pull a small picture from my wallet. It was taken a few days before I told Edward I was pregnant, so technically Bethany was in the picture with us. I wanted to leave it here with Edward.

Bethany took the picture from my hand and looked at it, smiling widely.

"Daddy," she said happily and then lifted the picture to her mouth and kissed Edward's image. I laughed slightly and heard Esme do the same from behind us.

"That's right, baby girl. That's daddy. I'm gonna leave this picture here with daddy so he can have it with him always, okay?" I said to her, taking the picture and laying it on the bottom of the headstone.

"Okay, Bethany. Why don't you come with Nana again and I'll help you get buckled into your seat. We can go see Pops in a bit, too. How's that sound?" Esme asked her as she lifted her into her arms and made her way over to my car. I turned back around and ran my fingers along the engraving.

"Some people tell me that I should move on, that it's time. I blew up at a new girl at work the other day when she tried to set me up with her brother. Maybe one day, but I'm just not ready yet. I still see you everywhere I look. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that you were with me."

"I miss you so much, Edward. Every single day. Since we moved into the house I grew up in, it's gotten a little easier I guess. Every single thing doesn't remind me of you. But when I take Bethany for walks behind the house, all I can picture is you in the meadow. I know you're watching over us and I know you see us every day, but I wish you could physically be here. I just hate that you're missing so much."

"But we're fine. We're doing okay. They're all taking care of us like they promised you. Everyone has moved back home. Bethany has her little cousins to play with and they know who you are too."

"So, don't worry about us, baby. We miss you every single day, but we're okay," I told him. I stood up and kissed my finger tips before placing them on top of his head stone.

"I love you...always."

**A/N: I just want to go ahead and take this opportunity to let you guys know how much I appreciate every single one of you that stuck with me throughout this entire story. The events that happened in this story were planned from the very beginning. This has been prewritten for months now. I always planned for the same ending, although the way it came about changed slightly. **

**I am working on a short outtake that came to me the other day. It needs to be beta'd but I hopefully will have it up soon. **


	39. OuttakeSideshot

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Thanks to my prereaders and my beta.**

**A/N: So, here's the promised outtake/side-shot. Hope it takes the sting of the final chapters away a bit. ;)**

I probably came around here way too much, but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving my girls. If I had known that day that it would be the last time I spoke to Bella, I would have said so much to her. I would have told her how much I loved her, how much I needed her. I would have told her how much I was looking forward to our daughter being born. I wouldn't have let her read it in a letter.

I could hear every word they said to me in the hospital. I was there as Bella stayed so long that my mom and dad forced her to go home for the baby's sake. I was there as she read to me from the parenthood books. I stood in the same room with my entire family as they told me goodbye. All I wanted to do was reach out and hug every one of them and tell them I was there and that I was fine.

But I couldn't because I wasn't technically there. I was gone on impact. My body was fighting to stay there with them, but my spirit just let it all go. In part, I think it was my mind that didn't want to leave yet. I saw how much Bella begged me to stay and I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing her again. I held on as long as I could... until the moment she told me it was okay to go.

After I was gone, the nights were the hardest for Bella. She'd lie on the bed, her hands rubbing her growing belly as she stared at the picture of me she kept on the side table. When she would finally drift off, she would wake up countless times screaming my name, begging me not to leave her and there was nothing I could do. All I wanted to do was pull my wife into my arms and tell her everything would be okay, but I was stuck watching.

My family tried to be there as much as they could for her, but she wanted to be strong. Instead of moving in with my parents like I wish she would have so she wouldn't be alone, she came home to our apartment. When they came over, she would smile and act like everything was okay until they left. The moment they were gone she would break down on the spot, slide to the floor and sob.

I was there the day Bella went into labor. I was there when our daughter was delivered. Carlisle reminded them all that I was there in spirit and he was right. If I could have cried and hugged Rose when she spoke of my family standing in for me, I would have.

And when Bella announced to our family that our daughter's name was Bethany Marie, I would have cried again. It meant so much to me that she used the name I'd mentioned to her in the note. She'd always carry with her the name her daddy had chosen for her.

I'm mostly here today for Bella because I know it's going to be a hard day for her. It will be the first wedding anniversary that I'm not here for. If I know our family, they'll try to be there for her. But if I know my wife, she'll try to be brave and handle it on her own.

I walked into the living room and saw Bella sitting on the sofa. The baby monitor sat off to the side, the sounds of our daughter's quiet breathing filled the air. In her lap, she held the album filled with our wedding photos. Just as she was about to open it, the phone rang.

"Hello?" she answered quietly. I knew it was my sister on the line. I'd been with her earlier and she mentioned to Jasper that she was going to invite Bella and Bethany over for dinner.

"Hi, Bella. What are you up to?" she casually asked. I knew though that Bella wasn't stupid. She knew why my sister was calling.

"Nothing much, Alice. What can I do for you?" she replied.

"I was just wondering if you and Bethany would like to come over and eat dinner with us tonight?" Alice asked her. Bella closed her eyes as tears streamed down her face.

"Don't do this, sweetheart," I whispered. "Not today. Let them help you, please." I longed to reach out and touch her, just to let her know I was here with her.

"Not tonight, Alice. I just need some time alone," she said. Once they'd finished their short conversation, Bella picked the album back up and began looking through the pictures. She'd lovingly run her finger across my face as she sang quietly.

"_I have died everyday waiting for you._

_Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you_

_For a thousand years._

_I'll love you for a thousand more._

_And all along I believed I would find you_

_Time has brought your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more."_

I walked out quietly and made my way to Bethany's room. I could tell that her breathing had changed and that she would wake up soon.

When I wasn't with Bella I was with Bethany. Even at her young age, she was always smiling. I'd taken to singing to her at night so she wouldn't wake up her mom. Her favorite seemed to be "You Are My Sunshine." Bella couldn't figure out why Bethany loved the song already, but I knew it was because her daddy sang it to her.

When I walked in, her bright green eyes were already open and looking around the room. I stepped over and looked into the crib at her and she smiled widely. Bethany had always been able to see me. It made me wonder about all the times I'd seen babies smiling at nothing if there was actually someone there.

I tried my best to keep Bethany from crying, but after a bit she got frustrated with the fact that I wasn't picking her up and began to cry. I stepped to the side as Bella quickly came in and picked our daughter up.

Bella continued singing the song she'd been singing in the living room as she settled them down in the rocker. I stood off to the side and watched my wife hold our daughter and longed to wrap my arms around them both and never let go.

"What is it, Sweetheart?" Bella asked her as she tried to calm the baby. Bethany continued to cry and squirm and I saw Bella smile slightly. Then she began to sing.

_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._

_You make me happy, when skies are gray. _

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you._

_Please don't take my sunshine away."_

As Bella started the song a second time I joined in with her and we both sang until she drifted off to sleep. The room was quiet until Bella spoke.

"I miss you so much, Edward," she said.

"I miss you too, baby," I said, wishing she could hear me.

"But I can feel you here with us... watching over us. People would think I was crazy if I told them, but I know it's true. I love you," she said, quietly.

"I love you, too," I said before I slowly backed out of the room. I'd watch over them as long as I could, but I know they'll be okay.

**A/N: Hope you liked it. This outtake/side-shot came to me the first time I listened to the Breaking Dawn soundtrack. :)**


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